Thursday, December 4, 2008

Ache

As I plunge into the morass of mud and subterfuge that is the web, I see the euphemisms and pretence and find it contemptible. justifications, narcissistic self-pity, dismay at covert action cloaked in a smug self-pitying want …

In many instances, it is a supreme example of our naval-gazing, self-obsessed society.

For somehow, the generation that glorified friendship, acceptance and the doctrine of following your heart has created subsequent generations of selfish consumerist grasping “have to have it and have it now” individuals who can find endless excuses as to why they are not “cheating” … that see in their need for an ever-expanding sexual repertoire and in their quest for the ultimate excitement and exploration of those hidden corridors of mind and heart, a necessary and ultimately justifiable reason to betray.

I see the same self-justifications over and over again – “he doesn’t understand me”, “she doesn’t give me what I need”, “I’ve tried, but she doesn’t ‘get” me”…. excuses! And then you see the feint and gamble, the repartee and innuendo and sometimes, the outright almost smug admittance of an affair.

I don’t care if someone wants a damn affair.

If they choose to betray someone to whom they committed.

If they choose the flickering insubstantial flame of an internet affair to the solid reality of flesh and blood, of history and promise.

But don’t pretend it is anything other than a scratch you want itched.

Don’t try to dress it up as something internally so needful that without it you will explode, self-destruct, wither away.

The reality is that it is a CHOICE – one you make rationally or otherwise- one the repercussions of which you must live with – and if “outed” that your family must live with.

and from my perspective it is as inimical and destructive as any flesh on flesh affair.

There is an element of pity in me for those individuals who choose the insubstantial amphorous nature of an online “relationship” over the reality of a solid foundation, because I am very cognizant of the fragile nature of our human psyche and, here in the waning aftermath of endless accusations and a 4 year emotional bloodbath, I find my tolerance both less and more.

More, because I look around and I see the reality of those who have strayed and the terrible emotional toll it takes on them, their families and on their lives. And the bottom line is that I hate seeing people hurt – the ones who caused the hurt and the ones who are hurting because of another’s choices.

I find it particularly inimical because of events occurring in the periphery of my life that have had (are having), nonetheless, a rather massive impact on my own. Events transpiring which have opened wounds not yet healed, dug deep sharp claws into emotions still raw, that have in their tragedy, such an element of familiarity it is frightening.

But the same motivation that made this person cheat were generated in part by the behaviour of someone...which eerily and horrifically reflect the worst behaviour of someone close to me. Detritus of a damaged psyche.... aftermath of abuse and emotional horror. Destroying all these years later the best of who they are – and echoing through the years to destroy any good they have tried to grasp in their own, now mature, lives.

I can even grasp to some extent the perfidy - the constant emotional barrage, the stalking, the lurking intimations of rage and underlying suffocating need are emotionally and supremely difficult to deal with... BUT

I find my tolerance is less, as well because, bottom line, each of us makes choices - I have always felt and believed and continue to, that if one gets to the point where one seeks intimacy, seeks love and friendship and caring OUTSIDE your relationship, then it is time to move on ... but move ON.. not TO - I think it a HUGE mistake to move from one relationship directly into another ..... you are (to my mind) seeking escape, not making a rational choice.

The bottom line is that each of us must find in ourselves the strength and conviction of our own worth, then couple it with the ability to find grace in inner strength and ability, to understand that peace and contentment comes from within and should never be placed entirely in the hands of another individual. That while of course, a committed, caring, loving and deeply passionate relationship can bring great joy, true happiness can only occur when you are comfortable in your own skin.

2 comments:

Buffalo said...

A most passionate essay.

littleone said...

Indeed it was a passionate essay..

one that touched my heart in ways you could never know.

But life is nothing if not a classroom of lessons to be learned..

and i count myself lucky that life has taught me to find comfort in my own company.. to treasure the being i am... and to find true happiness and joy within.

morningstar (owned by Warren)