Read Part ONE here
Read Part TWO here
So what’s the point of this meandering discussion?
Basically what I’m (badly) arguing is that unlike our need to eat, sleep, defecate and breathe, we are not physiologically FORCED to explore and enjoy our submission.
I am also saying that while society encourages submission as a gender-based role in society, that form of submission is distinct and separate from the type we speak of in terms of dynamics in a BDSM world. It is also artificial in society (but that’s another fight for another day).
That being the case, does that then give us a CHOICE to explore a part of our personality that we know, sense, induce to be supremely satisfying and spiritually fulfilling?
Because, this is my argument; it IS a choice.
Not as in “I choose to be submissive – or not” – because to some extent, I believe we are who we are.
I’m hot-tempered .. always have been, most likely always will. That temper is part of what I am, an intrinsic, complicated trait that is very much a part of my personality. But I learned a long time ago, that my quick, hair trigger temper was not an acceptable way to conduct my life. And so I work, hard, at controlling it, at keeping it in acceptable limits. It is my CHOICE to exercise restraint over my temper.
So too it is my CHOICE whether to indulge and explore my submissiveness.
I am submissive; I believe that and know that, based on my life experiences. I have been D’s submissive since I first laid eyes on him all those year ago. I didn’t call it that, I didn’t have a name for it – not for many many years – but nonetheless that is the exact dynamic our relationship encompassed, first unnamed, then named ...
I am passionate, strong-minded, opinionated (you guess?) and out spoken. I am a committed and vocal feminist, a leader in many areas of my life (past and present) and have never kneeled to any but one man. AND I’m submissive. It’s still there you know– suppressed right now, pushed down and ignored, controlled with an iron will and refuted, but THERE.
Ergo, I am submissive because whatever personality traits I was born with, influenced to some extent by my experiences in the world in which I live, the pressures exerted by the society of which I am a part, but ULTIMATELY, based on how I feel when I allow my desires to be expressed and fulfilled, make me what I am.
I am not submissive because I have never been given the opportunity to exercise any dominance in my personality; in actual fact, over the course of my life (in hindsight) I was with several submissive men, who very obviously relished that strong, committed, forceful part of my personality (both men of whom I am thinking asked me to marry them).
And they did NOTHING for me.
I have never had the least desire to dominate in a personal relationship; and had to work hard (because I am, at heart, innately kind) not to be cruel – because I find passive, submissive men who try to submit to ME off-putting (no problem with them as friends, acquaintances – just not the sexually based dynamic).
Thus, there is no doubt in my mind, I am submissive.
HOWEVER, I DO have a choice on whether I allow that particular part of who I am be expressed and explored.
It’s a CHOICE I make as to whether I choose to allow that part of who I am to express itself ... it is a CHOICE I make whether or not I am strong enough (yes), determined enough (yes) and committed enough (yes) to ruthlessly suppress the need, the ache and the desire.
Is it easy?
My submission to D. was one of the most peaceful, spiritually fulfilling and soul satisfying actions of my life. When we were in sync, I experienced such an intensity of purpose and emotional rightness that at those moments, all the restless, anxious, unbalanced aspects of my id were quiet, serene, RIGHT. And, as I am a very physical person, my sexuality is inextricably and irrevocably entwined with my submission and it was through the dynamic that I achieved the most sublime heights of physical pleasure brought far beyond the realm of the corporeal into that of the spirit.
Thus, when it broke down, it was profoundly, massively devastating.
And I had a choice .... (continue to do so, really, because I remain a submissive without a Master.) I could choose to seek a new Master or I could choose to remain with D. but in a different context.
My choice is to stay with him on a different level than the one we have overtly lived for many many years (and subtly for many years before that) – as a d/s dynamic. For should I seek another Master (even if I wanted one, which was never an issue for me - D. was and remains the only man I have ever wanted to kneel to) then I am very aware that in so doing I would sever ALL our ties irrevocably.
I am not someone who can divide her life into little emotional boxes. Love here, submissiveness there, rationality in this box, spirituality over here ...
Where I submit, I love; for me that is the reality. I believe there are individuals who CAN divide the two emotions; indeed, from a rational perspective I understand it. I cannot, however, submission and love to me are indivisible.
Where I submit, I want; my sexuality is inextricably and inevitably entwined with my submission. I am never more sexual than at my most profound moments of submission. I could not imagine having a Master with whom I did not (at the most profound level) interact sexually for the eroticism of domination and submission is to me, overwhelming.
And the bottom line is that to make that kind of a choice would destroy the ties that continue to bind D and I together on so many levels.
And that is an unacceptable cost to me.
Yes, ONE more Part then my meandering is over, I promise!