oddly, d. told me that he has been working on thoughts about change too... but then, again, perhaps not so odd. 35 years together and there are often eerie coincidences, insights garnered from proximity, intimacy and the never-ending dance that today is as complicated, heart-rending and rage provoking as when I was 17.
I have written about change before, more than once, as I remain fascinated, even obsessed. with the mercurial nature of its reality... how you feel its impact so powerfully yet when you reach out to grasp it, it is simply dust drifting on the winds of past lives ....
I went through my archives, and was certain I had posted these thoughts before ... but there is no sign of them. Perhaps I did and in the quixotic way I have of doing things, removed them, or maybe these were thoughts from another venue of thought and musing, and these few words exist, representing only a fraction of the thousands upon thousands forever lost.
Changes … I talk about them all the time … the ebb and flow of life is never-ending and constant … like the sweet swell and flux of my beloved ocean. The reality of change is that outcomes and repercussions are not readily apparent or quantifiable. Change happens whether you choose it or not – it is the very inevitability of it that somehow makes it bearable, for knowing that life cannot stay still carries with it a comfort in itself and an understanding that it is far better to embrace the change rather than fight it. Static and life, are after all, mutually exclusive – for even when still, the body itself is constantly in action, lungs breathing, heart beating, the flow blood through veins, the snapping of synapses in the brain …. quiet, complete and utter stillness, means of course, death.
Whether embraced or not… looked for or denied, change will happen. It happens in the minute aging of our bodies, the slow release of collagen, the siren call of gravity, the almost imperceptible delay in synapse and reaction … it occurs in how we view the world, in the undulating ever-changing reality of our relationships with friends, family and lovers.
Like the ocean, the surface may appear calm and placid, gleaming and reflecting back the light which spills from the sky. Look closer and you will see its multifaceted twinkling reality as greens and blues and greys and soft pale whites eddy and flow together in an ever moving tapestry of light and dark and mirror and illusion. Beneath the surface, worlds collide and clash, lives explode into being while others wink out of this sphere and to our human ears only the sound of the waves lapping at a distant shore intrude on a quiet day but if you have true ears that hear beyond, the plaintive haunting melody of whales and other denizens of this underwater world fill the ocean with a cacophony of sound and life …
So too is our understanding of each other – in our misguided, human way we struggle to interpret and understand the changes in our lives and how those changes affect both our own lives and those close to us. But often, all that we see is the surface … placid, seemingly static, yet beneath passion boils and perceptions and understandings clash and form and are dispersed and reformed as something else.
And just as our eyes play havoc with our perceptions when gazing through the ever shifting kaleidoscope of restless water, so too do is our comprehension and understanding of another’s words subject to misunderstanding and confusion. The shark we see may in fact be an innocent dolphin... or conversely, the dolphin we greet with relief and delight could in fact be a predator.
For such complicated beings, we have truly been handicapped by the inadequacy of words given us to explain the complexities of our own souls, poor tools indeed to truly express our inner motivations and understandings. Touch, however, although not something most associate with communication is ultimately one of the most effective forms of communication available to us. Touch can convey what words cannot … skin upon skin, the soft caress of a hand, the feel of warm lips … it is not merely physical but somehow conveys emotionally and spiritually what cannot be articulated.
How very odd that the older I get the more I embrace and relish the reality of the corporeal and see in it not the crass physicality I perceived it to be when young, but rather feel and incorporate within myself the wonder that is our physical body. How indeed can we – as flesh and blood denizens of the universe – deny the complexity of our physical form? For what many forget is that we are a changing, living organism whose many unique facets are inextricably entwined and enmeshed to a degree that to try to undo the Gordian knot that is us, would cause a dissemblance and destruction of the entity that makes up that complete human individual.
And finally, like the phases of the moon which call to the ocean below and breathes its silver breath and seduces the tides which ebb and flow, ebb and flow, the undulating, changing human personalities entwine and mesh, entwine and mesh … our relationships, our dynamics with other individuals recede and surge, recede and surge … and while some follow the variations of ocean tributaries and currents to slowly drift away to explore the depths and breadth of other life and other forms, others remain close and struggle within the reality of their opposing motivations to mesh and entwine once again …