Sunday, March 8, 2009

Kink...wherefore art thou -Part the Second

Read Part 1 here

For ultimately, I think what creates a sense of shame in us, is a perception that what we are doing would somehow be judged “wrong” or “perverted” or “twisted” by the society in which we all exist – on a macro level. On a micro level, a perception that a practice for which we yearn is seen by someone we adore as off-putting or disgusting is a sure-fire way to kill the desire.

I believe that the level of abhorrence created is a direct result of our own upbringings, the influences and effects of our real life experiences. In short, we feel shame because we have been taught, usually from an early age, to believe that to do what we are doing is wrong. That it somehow betrays a spurious and what I believe to be, a false sense of decency that it is somehow against the rules of a god created by MEN.

In short, to explore the wonderful capabilities of the physical bodies we enjoy is somehow perverted, twisted and in the strictest sense, betrays what is perceived to be a higher spiritual realm of being.

And this is particularly and unfortunately very true when it comes to the expression of any sexuality; throw a bit of kink into the mix and the swish it around with religious mores, societal-imposed strictures and good old-fashioned prejudices and sometimes it’s amazing anyone can enjoy any kind of sexuality!

I credit my good Irish Catholic parents for being pretty amazing people in that I managed to avoid most of that! Unfortunately, very few people have been as fortunate.

Any strictures in hindsight that I placed on the fulsome and perfect delight and enjoyment of my sexuality were in most cases, incorporated by me because of some perception (real or imagined) that what I was proposing to enjoy was `wrong` - such reaction garnered through the reactions engendered by the proposal or exploration of that act.

In other words, hyper sensitive as I am to reactions and empathetic to a frightening degree to those for whom I care, even the perception that they find my needs repulsive in any way is enough for me to grasp that desire and crush it, put it away deep in the far realms of my soul. Wounded, I will strike it from any possibility of being brought into being again and feel in the secreting away of a whispered need, mortified and ashamed.

This, when all is said and done, is probably what MOST of us ultimately fear most? To be rejected for who we are; to be denied because the essence of what we seek is in eyes of the one we love, somehow wrong, perverted or disgusting.

And yet, I understand that each of us is to a greater or lesser extent, victims of our past.

Even if we KNOW that the one whose approbation we crave would probably like it, we perhaps cannot escape the strictures of early lessons and feel, in the deep, hidden part of our psyche, that while rationally we understand our loved one not only embraces that part of us but fulsomely ENJOYS it, that secret part of our id rails that they don’t REALLY feel that way ... that to open ourselves like this will engender disgust, repudiation and denial.

And that can be quite soul-destroying. And often is the reason many of us seek to avoid even the possibility of such denial and repudiation by refusing ourselves even the possibility of that exploration.

Which I find so utterly sad. Because in a perfect world, of course, those we love would accept us and even revel with us in the enjoyments and realities of what provides such sublime pleasure.

Submissives in particular I think are prone to crave the dominant “telling” them to feel this, do that, experience this – in a way suspending the responsibility for pursuing a desired action. It is fairly clearly a way of avoiding responsibility – for while the enjoyment garnered from what is perceived as a “forbidden” act is considerable and at times, overwhelming, it’s not fair really to put the entire responsibility onto the shoulders of the other person. At one and the same time, dominants often accept and even relish the responsibility as it gives them further license to enjoy their full measure of control.

The bottom line is I think it crucial that every single individual look deep within themselves, honestly and clearly, and find the impetus that drives the level of sexuality and spiritual fulfillment they seek. Embrace it, enjoy it and work hard at jettisoning any sense of shame or self-loathing engendered by honest emotions and the needs of your body. Be open and honest with your partner and see if opening the window allows the light to pour in....


Loving Annie said...

Very good thing to post about !!! I had such a hard time with this when I started my second soft erotica blog after having had a nice girl blog. All the 'nice' people took me off their links and stopped commenting. I was hurt. Wasn't I still the saem person, just expressing a part of me we all have or think or have done ?
And I've had men I trusted/loved ask me what I wanted in bed - and then tell me no, which was devastating.
That's why it is so important to know what matters to us, stand up for it when we believe we are right, and find the people who share the same values and respect them and us and our desires.

littleone said...

selkie - excellent .. well thought out post (as usual)....

i am slowly (god at my age it is VERY slowly) coming to the realization that the lessons learned - both good and bad - when i was younger do not have to rule my life now.

Thank god for a very patient / understanding Sir who has taken this sexually repressed woman and slowly brought her to the realization of what joys lie in the sexual act (any and all acts!!)

And with that slow patient guiding hand.... i discovered i could actually ask for something and the sky wouldn't open up and thunder bolts wouldn't shoot down. Instead what happened was pure joy and acceptance.

i am a very lucky woman....... and very lucky submissive.

morningstar (owned by Warren)

Amber said...

I am very embarrassed about some of the things I enjoy Dan doing to me and some of my wilder fantasies. Not all of it but some. Because it makes no sense to me that I should desire to be debased. I mean, why? When I stop and really think about it, isn't that odd? Shouldn't I be excited by being loved and cherished? Why isn't that a huge turn-on? Doesn't that make more sense?

Don't get me wrong; I love being praised, called "good girl" and such but it's not a sexual turn-on for me. It's intimate and wonderful but it doesn't make me quiver and moan. Although I can get turned-on just by being touched, by being wanted and lusted after but it just sends me over the top to get humiliated.

I've often said I wish I could rip that part out of me but then, would I be able to have as much pleasure without that desire? Much of the pleasure I get is derived from the very fact it's taboo.

If it was no longer taboo, would it be as exciting?

So I've decided it's okay that what turns me on the most is considered "taboo" in our society. If it were not, I probably wouldn't cum as hard. :)

PK said...

Being caught in that odd place where almost all of my energy is focused on school leaves me quite...sexless. Part of me wonders if it just up and died. I hope not. I enjoyed it, although to be honest, being raised a good Baptist girl is enough to kill the sexual urge and I had to work hard to say, yeah, this is ok...for me.


Buffalo said...

Since we are a social species and seem to be cursed with at least a modicum of herd mentality, we open ourselves up to scorn and banishment anytime we indulge in any activity deemed abhorrent by our fellow bovines. That knowledge creates a certain amount of shame, guilt, and fear.

Guilt is an absolutely worthless emotion. Shame can be almost as worthless emotion - though in some parts of life it can be a strong deterrent.

You're correct when you say one should embrace their sexuality and revel in it.

selkie said...

Annie, I’ve had the same dilemma myself. I’ve often felt a bit self-conscious about my erotica blog but in the end, decided if people didn’t want the “whole” selkie then that was their issue, NOT mine. But yes, it can sting, and quite severely.

I think intimate rejection is truly one of the most wounding – I know EXACTLY who it feels as well and it cuts to the quick; recovering from it is sometimes problematic…

littleone, the rapport and connection you and your Sir have is indeed a wonderful thing. For someone to see the potential and to encourage and coax the reality of the individual into the light of day is precious and quite beautiful. I am so pleased for you that with each subsequent week and month and year with your Sir, both of you truly realize the flowering of each other’s true realities.

Amber – I think all of us at some point has struggled with the apparent contradiction of being debased and humiliated and in that occurring, finding it incredibly arousing and affirming. Not sure there is an answer EXCEPT that you have internalized that the person doing it actually cherishes, adores and loves every single bone in your body!

In a sense, they do it but they do it “lovingly” and knowing too that in a sense, they ACCEPT you … all the bits and pieces, the good with the bad and that is what makes it so special and arousing.

In a sense, you’re right- it is also exciting BECAUSE it is taboo but you are safe in his arms regardless!

PK – I don’t think for a moment it is “gone” – just in abeyance at the moment. The bottom line is it is easy to lose focus on our sexuality and other things indeed when our energy is directed towards another goal. But it isn’t dead, just in the background for the moment – perhaps once you get a chance to take an actual breath that isn’t full of deadlines, expectations, work and sweat I bet you anything you would find it again!

Buff – you’re right of course – the human species overall spends FAR too much time and energy regretting instead of revelling.