Thursday, August 6, 2009

"Modern CRAP"

Florida Dom cited a story about the ostensible “saving of a marriage” here and sought feedback from his readers respecting Ms. Munson’s manner of handling a potential marriage breakdown.

While my gut reaction was immediate and forceful, time and experience (and self insight) made me pause and reflect further.

You know what? Now some two days later – I STILL say – NOT ON YOUR LIFE BUD!

The whole martyr wife thing leaves me COLD.

Together with the “political wife” syndrome where the long-suffering helpmate whose spent countless hours alone, eaten 1000+ plus rubber chickens, put herself “on” over and over to support a husband whose infidelities and betrayals make a fool and a mockery of her sacrifices – I don’t THINK so.

My feeling? Unlike the majority of the 200+ comments on the story, Laura, you’re a putz! Husband, you’re a JERK.

He didn’t come back! He got DUMPED.

Yeah, pretty damn obvious an affair occurred. And that he got kicked to the curb after a few months.

And you know what, Laura? By “ignoring” it and not demanding the respect and loyalty you deserved as his partner, you in essence, gave him permission to act like a spoiled, petulant CHILD – and what’s more, you’ve given him permission to do it AGAIN. After all, what are the repercussions to him?

Not a damn thing! He got to come and go as he pleased. He wasn’t taxed or harassed or told his actions were irresponsible, hurtful and unacceptable. And then at the end, he gets it all BACK, just as if he had never tried to throw it away! You bet your bottom dollar it will be even easier the NEXT time.

First point: treating an adult man as you would a “trantrumming child” is insulting not just to the woman but to the man! Men are not children. Nor should they be treated as such.

Where the hell is his maturity? His sense of responsibility? His honour?

So while he was doing whatever the hell he was doing, salvaging his “pride”- who was paying the bills? Who was doing that lawn that she saw as such a positive step when he finally stepped up to the plate? Who was taking care of the kids and the house and dealing with her own wounded and painful emotional trauma?

And just what did his kids think?

Did he talk to them about why daddy wasn’t around? Why he was only in and out on his own schedule and why he and mummy were estranged?

Kids aren’t stupid you know.

So nice lesson.

Girl child – this is what you do – you suffer in silence. You allow your partner to “find” himself while you pick up the slack and suck up the pain.

Boy child – lucky eh? You get to turf responsibility. You don’t have to stick to vows made nor follow through on adult responsibilities. Sweet deal, eh?

For me, mutual respect is a HUGE part of any healthy dynamic. It is woefully lacking on both their parts here.

Picking up your toys and saying you’re leaving and don’t want to play any more is simply not an option when we actually grow up. Deciding that you don’t like your choices is not unusual and is often passing due to stress or depression or a myriad of reasons. Working through these with the other adult in the equation is the responsible and mature thing an adult does.

What a misnomer the title of the column “Modern Love”.

That isn’t MODERN love, hell, that is the religiously sanctioned crap women have been handed for the past several centuries. As if keeping the man is what it is all about. As if sucking up pain and humiliation is our lot in life. As if this is “saving” a marriage.

The whole damn thing is a travesty.

I’m all for saving a marriage or a committed relationship. I believe implicitly that no relationship should be jettisoned without fighting hard to see if the love that inspired it in the first place can be salvaged and revived. But damned if that can be done or SHOULD be done if only ONE partner is doing the fighting.

Here, let me pack your bags for you – my lawyer will be in touch...


mouse said...

"That isn’t MODERN love, hell, that is the religiously sanctioned crap women have been handed for the past several centuries..."

*Stands up and Cheers!*

You are so right! He won't learn to alter his behavior, he just learned that his behavior doesn't matter. And that kinda ticks me off.


Omega said...


My take is a little different on this; my estimation the man was feeling emasculated with business struggles, economy, and perhaps his youth slipping away. Perhaps sought comfort in another woman, but also equally as likely he sought comfort in divorced or single friends.

Often men go searching for greener grass but when they arrive there they notice the same brown spots their own lawn had. Male voyeurism is commonplace, however being afforded a second chance from it is rare.

All that said the article is long on her notions and nothing of what his issues truly were, aside from conjecture. She comes off as the intelligent one in that relationship, and he the typical bumbling man who just does not know any better. She obviously understood better than he what his needs were. Her "Fox Mulder" styled synopsis formulated in seconds with her saying, "I don't buy it." could have just as easily gone the other way

The larger issue in question is did she save her marriage or simply put off what will happen later?


Liras said...

I think her story sucks major ass and that was one time that a canceled subscription paid off. We already have a slew of women doing the same or similar thing and writing about it. This chorus of resolved martyrs needs to hush up.

I do not know fear of being alone or of change. I think it is very real, for so any ppl are in screwy 'kinda-love-you-sorta' relationships.

But I have hoped hurt feelings and pride exist in those neglected hearts and would burst forth in the 'understanding' partner. (Not holding breath.)

If she and her ilk want to hurt themselves with extra stress, fine. If they can still have the same good ol' loving feelings for men that press unfair and cruel advantages, okay. I make it my policy to not get in the way of the masochists.

Stepping aside...

selkie said...

mouse, that is exactly one of the things about this that stuck in my craw too! Male or female, we are all human and learn from consequences. There are none in this case.

Omega, agreed on many of your points! In fact her sanctimoneous tone was enough to set anyone off!!

And my feeling is exactly like yours. What issues exactly got resolved? None that i could see.

Don't get me wrong- I am a HUGE advocate of working through things, fighting to preserve a relationship that is, in most respects, a living, viable, real and positive one - and every single relationship has bumpy patches which I feel people MUST and SHOULD work through - hell fight like hell through - before just giving up and throwing in the towel.

Every one of us has stresses in our lives; turning away from your partner who has been there for you through everything is hardly a decent, viable or honourable thing to do! We do not live in vacuums. if it were business or whatever, she TOO would have been experiencing the impact, from dealing with his moods, commiserating, picking up the slack, - walking away and having an affair is NOT in my world, an answer.

and like you, I question whether the marriage was 'saved' or simply preserved to dissolve down the line.

Liras, ' This chorus of resolved martyrs needs to hush up.' my take EXACTLY on this story! Yet another one that creates woman as martyr and somehow thus to be admired, and man as Omega points out, bumbling food' - an equally offensive designation for a mature human being!