Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Pity Party

DISCLAIMER: Please join me in my pity party today- I intend to wallow in it. Not to worry, I’m nothing if resilient and this too shall pass..

I feel ugly.

I think all of us go through moments of self introspection where we turn a critical eye on on our imperfect bodies with a ruthless disregard for extenuating realities such as time and the inevitable march of gravity. Most of us have the capacity to be cruelly intolerant of our perceived flaws, looking at what we think are irredeemable horrors under a microscope, allowing no leavening dollop of compassion or acceptance to mar our total disgust.

Envy cloaks me in shame as I lament the lack of money which would allow me to buy the erasure of time and experience from a face which has seen too many days, not enough sleep and far, far too much stress. I am envious of a friend who I love dearly and her belly, or lack thereof – sleek through a surgeon’s knife, the inevitable marks of childbearing magically erased, skin and muscle magically restored. I envy her visits to a clinic where laser restores moisture and firmness to skin battered by the sun of thousand days, lines etched through life’s lessons and the marks and inevitable tracing of life’s vicissitudes are no longer apparent.

I know the rational explanations for my mid-life hate-fest. I know the trite if well meant rejoinders about time adding character, that I should bear the marks with “pride”....

It doesn’t cut it today – damned if it cuts it any day, but today, it most definitely doesn’t cut it.

I want to look in a mirror and not cringe.

I want to feel desired.

I want the sensuality that I feel in my soul to be sensed and embraced. I want the essence of the being that is me to be wanted and needed and desired. I want to be able to look at my body, into my eyes, and feel there is a reason WHY someone would want to run their fingers along my pale skin, cup my breasts and tease me into hot panting want. I want to feel that breathless, frantic need pouring from his eyes and spill into hands that grasp and demand and seek.

Words are trite.

Actions speak.

And when you have been as physical as I have, when you have embraced and revelled in and wallowed and adored the reality of flesh, having yours rejected endlessly is humbling. It is humiliating. It is hurtful and soul-destroying.

And it is my reality.

And nothing- absolutely nothing – will convince me that if I had the time, the money, the leisure to combat time’s encroachments, I might still be desired.

I feel ugly today.

19 comments:

Sir J said...

I lament a society that leads to people feeling this way. I assure you, you are not. However we all have these days and I hope yours is short lived

littleone said...

selkie my dear dear selkie you know i know exactly of what you speak... it has gotten to the point i barely look in a mirror anymore...

The other day i pulled out the magnifying mirror (as i do every day to apply makeup) and stood there cursing the damn thing.. remembering how my mother too was driven by need to purchase a magnifying mirror - blind as a bat without our glasses.. and the damn mirror magnifies everything ..every little wrinkle, crease and spot... ohhhhhhh that i could see to put on makeup without it.. dull the vision that appears in it's glass...

so much for the "Mirror mirror on the wall - who's the fairest of them all"............. long since come and gone...

pity when we were younger we didn't (i am assuming you were much like me) appreciate the youthfulness and treasure it like fine wine..

morningstar (owned by Warren)

Chloe said...

I know that feeling.

And while there are a million truthful things I could say to counter points, thoughts, ideas and ideals that cause you to feel that way... I won't.

Because I know that feeling.

~Chloe

Amber said...

I feel pretty today. But I don't always. But today I have a pretty sundress on that shows off my tits and my hair turned out right for a change and I put light makeup on even though the only people seeing me today will be little Lily, who is 4 months old, and Dan, my husband.

But he's already remarked several times how great I look today so that helps.

Dunno, I have felt hideous before many times. Even if I dress up.

But dressing up or differently or changing your hair or makeup does help. Well for me.

I hope you get past this soon. {{{{hugs}}}

slave freyja said...

Oh, sister, I hear your pain. I see the wrinkles starting around my mouth and eyes, the adult-onset breakouts of acne I never had in high school and my meds made all my body fat migrate to my stomach so I look five months pregnant and have little skinny arms and legs.

My Master says I'm beautiful and sexy, but I have a hard time seeing past those things to believe it.

I'm not going to offer you advice, because I don't have any. All I can do is offer you my support and understanding because there are days I don't want to look in the mirror.

selkie said...

ok, this pity party needs CHOCOLATE - I demand chocolate NOW!! God, we're a hard bunch on ourselves ... but damn it smarts!

Buffalo said...

How do I say this delicately with finesse and socially acceptable correctness?

Hmmm.

It seems to me that if you wanted to schedule a pity party it would be for something that had at least a tenuous root wrapped around a modicum of truth and reality.

ronnie said...

Oh Selkie, it's something we all feel at times, I do not what you mean. I hope this feeling doesn't last long.

Sending hugs and love.
Ronnie
xx

Gillette said...

Aw...Buffalo...you're a sweetie.

And Selkie...chocolate....mmmm... chocolate...makes every girl beautiful.

Jz said...

I hear ya. Had that kind of day myself yesterday. (Even effected my eyesight, as you could prolly tell from the doggie picture comment.)
Actually, I have a lot of those days. SP once said to me, "I hate that you're so impossibly hard on yourself... I consider that MY prerogative!"

Fortunately, the pendulum swings. And there's usually something good around the corner. It's just that the corner may be a mile down the road and you can't really see it even if you squint. (Or hold it at arms length while bobbing your head up and down...)
*sigh*

Chin up and pass the chocolate!!

Mr Upton Ogood said...

Ok! A party!! I'll bring the balloons and you supply the lampshade!!!

As to the causes...well...consider the lillies of the fields.

Now...cosider the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow.

Got those in mind? Cool. Now rub your tummy clockwise with your right hand while tapping the crown of your head with your left hand.

Rinse and repeat until dark mood flees screaming into the night.

(Don't ask how. It's magic. You're welcome)

Mr. Upton Ogood

swan said...

No words...
Only the gentlest of hugs.

swan

runzwithknives said...

dark, milk, white, nuts, fruit...what kind of chocolate? In the meantime can I have some coffee ice cream or en eclair?

Platitudes are plentiful..you are right. My mantra for the past couple of weeks ....the older the grape the sweeter the wine.
Damn it...no one wants a taste?

No words of wisdom. None. I wish I didn't need the validation from someone else. But there are days I do. I just do.

Pass the chocolate, pastries and some of that old sweet wine.

HA! yanno, collectively there's probably a cool couple hundred years of wisdom here. That's gotta be worth something, right? :)

((hugs))

Tallgrass said...

I agree with Buffalo. A party needs a purpose. With me joining in, you now have 300 years of wisdom.

I repeat, "The sexiest part of a woman's body is the mind."

kannakat said...

Selkie, you have GORGEOUS hair! Envy envy envy!
You're right about the chocolate, and ice-cream too. Mine's a Frascati, please.
Isn't the feeling about a thousand years old, the worst of it? Knowing that you won't get younger? Why thank you, yes, just another drop...
We know a thing or two, though, don't we, that the youngsters have yet to learn, poor things...Oh, you shouldn't, well, just a tiny drop then...
Cheers! And your very good health!

cultivateddiscipline said...

A while back you said you picked something pretty for yourself for your b-day. Get it. I got mine, it is a little small but I got it and I will get into it, someday. And I will be pretty and desirable and love myself as I am, as I have worked hard to be. See your beauty and the rest of the world will learn to see you, your way. CD

Liras said...

Everyone has an off day. Or three.

You might pinch me for saying it but a man who likes you does not see you, as you see yourself. You see flaws, he sees fuck-ability.

And it is much better to be looked at and desired, than to serve as a masturbatory fantasy for a guy who does not see you, just a warm body to use. (Be honest--that is most of what is going on with raging hormones and a diet of 'dude, you should be bagging chicks all the time or you are not a man')

We age, we change. And we still have a duty to love ourselves inside and out.

You will be seen and touched soon and that will be just fine.

Mystress Lady Evyl said...

Aw, hug. Totally know what you feel, we all go there at times.

But your are beautiful on all levels.

vanimp said...

I know that place well. Find somewhere beautiful, take that energy and sit with it. Just simply be there, forget about the body as it's just a vessel. What's deep inside is the beautiful part. That never goes away we just lose that connection sometimes *hugs* x