Greengirl asked, in my previous blog, “I am asking this question sincerely: what makes something role-playing or fantasy playing versus a d/s or m/s dynamic? I understand well that people are individuals and that the interactions of two (or more) people are thus unique. I also understand that there is no threshold criterion or set of definitions, but what do you see as being the fundamental difference? “
A valid question indeed!
I realize lately my tone is somewhat strident, my opinion decided. So I want to clarify first and foremost that I LOVE getting questions, being challenged, offered opposing viewpoints. I do not for one second think my opinion is the ONLY one, not even the most valid! It is simply my reality – how I perceive the world and as such, quantify a set of imperatives by which I’ve come to guide my life.
I have also reached a stage in my life where I find myself no longer fettered by convention nor bothered by the possibility of criticism and disapproval from others. While I take to heart disappointment or censure from those whom I love and respect, I am actively – and to a limited extent - liberating myself from the feminine constraints which smother ALL women from birth – rejecting societal pressures to force me into a certain “acceptable” mode of behaviour and demeanour.
So that being said (and I hope clarifying my position), this is how I differentiate.
Role-playing and Fantasy vs. Reality
First and foremost, the difference between role-playing and fantasy and what I believe is a real d/s or m/s dynamic, is at its most simplistic, REALITY itself.
Reality has a way of bitch smacking even the most imaginative individual into facing hard facts. All our realities bring with them, the commensurate pressures of living. Jobs which are often boring and conversely, too demanding. Financial worries. Mundane must do’s such as laundry and cooking meals, homework with children and cleaning the litter boxes. Reality brings days where you feel like strangling anyone that crosses your path, and nights when exhaustion precludes the sex you would like to have but that your tired body simply cannot contemplate. It brings with it moments when you want to scream at your partner – Master or not – and moments when he or she wants to kick a partner (submissive or not) to the curb out of frustration.
All of those mundane realities can be suspended in the online world. Your online Master or online subby is, in their minds and in yours, the epitome of perfection. Masters (and as mentioned before, I use this gender simply for convenience not because of any other reason) are always wise, always patient, have insight and an almost frightening ability to see motivation and to discern need. Submissives are invariably seeking to be always compliant, always humble, constantly seeking ways and means to meet the stated requirements of the beloved Master ... to find within themselves the perfect being whose acquiescence and surrender will fulfill his need for complete and utter control.
Does it mean that none of the yearning need to surrender, the commensurate opposite need to control, the ultimate goal which those of us with these inner compulsions to serve or be served seek is a myth?
There is a beauty in surrendering. There is an overwhelming joy in submitting to someone who makes your heart sing, who completes the circle so for that moment, that second, that point in time, there is such peace that it can bring you to tears .... and I know, from D’s words and thoughts, that for him, a similar and as profoundly spiritual experience occurred at points in our relationship from the opposite end of the spectrum.
And during our many, many years together, we wove elements of our dynamic into the fabric of our reality. Before we even knew to call what we had a Dominant/submissive dynamic, before we learned to call our dark sides (his sadism, my masochism, which of course are not necessary elements of either the M/s or D/s dynamic but often found there, nonetheless), BDSM – we danced the dance.
We had rituals. We had things I did for him as a matter of course (I am very service oriented). He in turn provided nurturing, he was my rock, my pool of calm in my chaotic ocean. And yes, ultimately, the direction our lives took were largely his choice, good or bad.
D. quite frankly, like no other man in my life, controlled my thoughts, words and deeds. I changed elemental parts of myself to try to meet his expectations. And I did so joyously and because I needed to, wanted to, craved to. And he in turn, despite fighting his need for me, found himself growing and expanding into a life he might never have imagined as his feet walked in tandem with mine down paths neither of us envisioned.
Because you see, reality means you DO impact each other. It means change occurs whether sought or not. It also means that not all changes are positive nor experiences constructive.
It also means there are times in your lives, sometimes even extended periods of time, when the dynamic is in abeyance, suspended and neglected because of other more pressing concerns, when only elements of it are there, strong threads of connectivity and strength that maintain you both, and in dark days of pressure and time constraint and stress, sustain and maintain the ultimate way you interact.
Reality means there is awareness on the part of each individual that certain strengths should be nurtured and appreciated; whether they “fit” the fantasy description of the dynamic you call yourselves. It means that not every moment is perfect, nor every encounter positive. It means people – both the dominant and the submissive, screw up – not once, not twice, but because we are fallible human beings, throughout your lives together.
PART TWO FOLLOWING