I know, it’s not Thursday Rant Day, so I am now instituting a Sunday Shout day.
I actually had a delicious, unexpected and thoroughly enjoyable few hours to myself today; normally I would have brought the bad shepherds to the park and for a swim but it is so excruciatingly hot outside, even contemplating it, makes me ill. I was out for a couple of hours early this morning to run errands and by the time 10 a.m. came I was a mess – this skin, this hair, this constitution still thinks it is living by the cool Atlantic and cannot tolerate this kind of inferno!
So I here I sit, laptop in hand, dogs at my feet, surfing the net ...
And in so doing came across a whole subculture which I will honestly state, I usually avoid. First – I am NOT saying that people living lifestyles to which I cannot relate are “wrong” nor that they do not have the RIGHT to live a life that works for them – but hell, when one put themselves out there (and that includes me) – then we also open ourselves to conflicting viewpoints.
It’s those blogs I see (and I came across a whole bunch, cleverly and erroneously (in my opinion) incorrectly labelled) where the Dominant is the All-Knowing, Invariably Correct God-Man and where the submissive is the Ultra-Feminine, Always Subservient, Always Submissive Little Girl-Woman – you know the types.
First, in MY opinion that is NOT D/s or M/s but more correctly, a stylized, unrealistic HOH or DD – both of which may have ELEMENTS of D/s or M/s and some S/m thrown in for good measure – but in their narrow interpretation of power relationships do not allow for what I believe are a plethora of various dynamics under the umbrella of real life BDSM.
Don’t get me wrong- there are REAL HOH and DD dynamics that I am sure work and work well. Some of my own internet buddies practice this lifestyle and do it admirably and well. The difference between THEIR realities and much of the crap I read out there (and worse are those who present themselves as “experts” and “counsellors”) is that in the real relationships, it is obvious and comforting to understand and read about the realities of life which get in the way of the fantasy. In short, like us all, it is obvious that both parties are fallible, sometimes wrong and most of all, REAL. What they strive for is a concept of a dynamic which fulfills their individual needs with a healthy dose of understanding that any relationship is a work in progress and either individual is capable of making mistakes.
There are just certain platitudes, “assumptions” made that are simply not accurate. Dominance and submission is not gender-based – it simply is not. It is not the “natural order” but rather a religious-based dogma boosted by cultural interpretations and prejudices and bolstered by centuries of misogyny.
Even more illuminating, this entire “concept” is almost ENTIRELY an internet-propagated mythology that does not stand the test of real time dynamics. I often see it as an elaborate and alternate form of “gaming” (Dungeons and Dragons, where are you?).
Most objectionable about the preachy blogs I see out there is the assumptions that somehow the male, simply through (one must surmise) owning a penis, is somehow granted insight, perspective and an almost psychic ability to comprehend, interpret and grasp the intricacies of dialogue, action and reaction that occurs between any two individuals. That in his godhead, he is capable of invariable and incontrovertible correctness in word and deed and is, because of his lofty status, is never open to criticism nor disagreement.
Conversely, the submissive (with the mutable reality of vagina) must in thought, word, deed and demeanour be always seeking to “live up” to the male’s expectations and requirements. In short, she is ultimately and almost irredeemably flawed against the Dominant’s perfection.
Truth be told, it is not really that difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff... for the pretence of infallibility becomes with time, tedious to the extreme. Being perfect, when all is said and done, leaves very little to talk about in the end!
In addition to the Heart of Darkness mentality of the male Dominant in these absurd compilations of bombast and peachiness, there is a commensurate tendency to denigrate and dehumanize the submissive. She becomes one-dimensional and crudely drawn – a collection of female genetalia and vacuous thought processes, which begs the question, why in the world would one wish someone so weak of spirit and malleable to submit?
By the same token, as a submissive, I can’t think of anything more horrifying than submitting to someone who presents himself as having no human flaws nor would never find himself at a loss for words or counsel.
However you describe your dynamic – either in the living or the hope of achieving – understanding and accepting the fallibility of the human beast is the first step towards building a healthy dynamic. Dialogue which is collaborative and mutual is essential. Comprehending and being comfortable with your partner (or potential partner’s) ultimate goals for a fulfilling relationship involves communication, compromise and a fluidity of purpose that would be categorically rejected by our Internet Seers.
D/s, M/s, HOH, DD – these are, when all is said and done, CONCEPTS of a lifestyle to which one can aspire – in the doing, they require an open mind, a cautious soul and an understanding of human fallacies.