Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Leap- Protection

Read Faith first and Honesty second

Oddly, I get the panic reaction when I think of submitting to someone to a level where I don’t anticipate or expect to be promised at least a comparable level of reciprocal honesty.  But then “honesty” as a concept is something that D. and I have struggled mightily with and in hindsight, has probably been one of our biggest issues.  Primarily because our interpretations, our concepts of what “honest” means have been radically different – a reality that we didn’t even recognize until the past couple of years brought our different precepts into stark relief.

There have been times during my relationship that what he termed my “duplicity” has driven him into a rage and a frenzy of accusations.  He has even (in the past) labelled what I term my ‘Celtic storytelling” as a variation of lying – which I found astonishing and wounding; it is almost categorically impossible for me to tell a story with no embellishments or fillips to amuse and enrapture the listener.  Nor are my exaggerations intended to be taken as the “truth” – so obvious are they, to me it is clearly simply part of a tale.

Where I am complicit, is my tendency to hide.  Because in a sense that is “lying” –sins of omission can be as calamitous and wounding as an outright lie after all.  NOT telling can be in itself a deal-breaker – a reason to shatter trust and create unease and a sense of distrust.

But then ‘hiding’ can quite frankly be a rational reaction to an untenable or irrational reaction, thus triggering what mouse terms the need to “self-protect”.   If revealing certain truths can trigger an unwanted and frightening response, then in one way, it is a RATIONAL reaction to ‘hide’ even more; even if (and of course, this is ultimately a subjective viewpoint) one is perplexed and confused at the intensity of a response to what you see as something innocuous.

One can eventually end up on a treadmill of subterfuge and reaction that is unhealthy and utterly destructive to any dynamic.

The upside however to this is that people can and do change.  Compromise and communication can clear up misinterpretations and a willingness to open minds to other interpretations of what you have always thought of as absolutes is essential to move forward.

Ultimately, it is figuring out what are the parameters of what you consider absolutes and what are the limits of what he (or she) considers absolutely untenable and absolute.  Then work from there.  Depending on the dynamic, there is compromise – or not.  Several of my online slave friends have been frank that while their 
Masters often do include them in their thought process, and often listen to their viewpoints, there are issues and times when his word is simply it – as ultimately in that power dynamic their agreement is unnecessary.

Which is why I probably could never be a slave.

Hell, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be a submissive again. 

For in the end, the damn void is there – you need to decide whether you HAVE the faith to take that leap over that dark crevasse where rocks and boulders jut and threaten to annihilate if you miss your step need to believe that the words and more importantly, the actions, are honest and most of all sincere... and in the end, you have to rigidly, strictly suppress that urge to –self-protect and JUMP.


Jz said...

These are all beautiful but this is the one I'm compelled to comment on. (Probably because self-protection is part of my own current struggle.)

Self-protection is a neccessity, not a wrong. Sometimes you just have to withdraw into your shell, to repair and regroup. Hiding can help you to heal.

It's the degree to which I might carry my self-protection that scares me. There's an aphorism floating around out there that says, "I refuse to go cautiously through life only to arrive safely at death."
I can see myself doing that. And I hate the thought.
'Bout as much as scary jumps over dark crevasses.


spirited_one said...

I agree... if you remove your right to self-protect then you essentially become something less than human as far as I'm concerned. You open yourself to dangers, both physically and mentally.

If you're in the right relationship, the need to self-protect does diminish over time as trust builds, but it never disappears completely.


mouse said...

selkie, selkie, selkie...
My head is spinning *LOL*
I'm reflecting on what you wrote and what I said just earlier today....hmmm

You just make me think too hard sometimes selkie! I'm glad you make me think and reexamine my previous thoughts...

I'm glad to know you even in this weird internet kinda way.


Buffalo said...

Good work on this series, Selkie.

M:e said...

Its been interesting to see everyone's thoughts on this, and you've added a wonderful series of postings to the mix. I've a post of my own on it at the moment, but I need to get it from my head through my fingers and other things have needed to be cleared out first.

Not sure if I'm the only one to find that the link on this post to your Honesty posting took me to Blogger's sign in page!

love and hugs xxx

selkie said...

JZ – agreed that self-protection is not ALWAYS wrong; however, I also recognize (from experience) that like any human emotion, it can get to the point where it ends up cocooning you so much that- as you point out – you end up NOT experiencing anything for fear of ‘hurt’. One of the adages that I keep constantly in the forefront of my mind is I DO NOT WANT to be dying and looking back over my life with regrets ... for never having tried something, for never having taken the chance, for never choosing to LEAP.

spirited- exactly. to me if you lose that sense entirely, then it is not a matter of being in that “perfect relationship” but delusion. The reality is that the human species is designed to ultimately protect itself. As you say, however, with time and trust, the barriers comes down ...

mouse – the feeling is mutual! I LOVE the fact that I meet people like you and jz and new friends too and are provoked into thoughts and pushed down paths I might not have explored on my own.

thanks Buff!

elle- thanks for the head’s up- it was a bad link and I’ve fixed. I’ll be very intrigued to see your thoughts as your insights are always a revelation to me and inevitably get me thinking down new paths ...

Anonymous said...

Selkie, spirited addresses this in a way I think most reflects my view. Jz (I am so happy to see another single person in these parts) is also correct, you can live a little freely more freely as a single woman in that there is no one automatically (or presumed to be) monitoring your actions. However, self-protection is then crucial. There are wolves in these parts and one must remain vigilant. What spirited indicted is the evolution of relationship that many desire. But all too often you encounter people who think 'find Dom, add water, stir' viola! intimate relationship. Not so fast, self-protect, it's important. CD

selkie said...

CD - I would also argue that in certain dynamics, self-protection is probably as important, if not more so, than for a single individual. The reality is that not every relationship is a healthy one - and even in fairly positive balanced relationships, the nature of the human beast makes it inevitable that at some point, there are going to be issues.

swan said...

I had a nasty little splinter of glass in the ball of my foot in the early part of the summer. I dug and gouged and soaked and messed with it for WEEKS, and I simply could not find it and remove it. It hurt like the very devil, and everytime I took a step I knew it was there. Over time, I came to a sort of hobbled, rolled over on the side of my foot, limp that evolved to try and protect that wicked sore spot on the bottom of my foot. It was miserable -- not life threatening and it eventually did resolve itself -- but I was a mess while that injury persisted.

Your depiction of self-protection makes me think of me and my poor, sore foot. If there is an injury, physical or emotional, we will (we must) act to protect the place that is hurt. It is among the most primal and simplest of instincts.

I don't think there is any sort of grand "lesson" to that, and there is certainly no "better" or "worse." We protect if we need to; if we must. When we do not feel the driving need to self-protect, it may be mostly due to the state of our physical and emotional well-being.


kannakat said...

I thought this post was truthful, insightful, and courageous.
Bravo, selkie!

selkie said...

swan, exactly- I do believe, 'self-protect' is one of those basic human reactive and instinctual responses - and should always be at least examined when triggered. If your instinct is telling you something, you need to look at WHAT.

kannakat- thank you!