Life can be so damn irritating at times; and there are moments when I just want to grab my dogs and run far far away to a cabin by the sea.
I’m still feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment; work is incredibly stressful right now due to a massive workload being handled by a MUCH reduced staff with the same expectations and egos tantrumming when there simply aren’t enough hours in a day to get the work done in a timeframe they consider “equitable”.
Home is just as crazy as I am starting to have the Christmas stress building with no time, not enough money and my own stupid insistence on creating ‘perfection’. Keeping a house clean (which is rather an obsession of mine) when said house has 5 to 7 people PLUS at any given time, 3 dogs, 4 cats, a guinea pig and a rabbit and said cleaning has to be juggled between 50 hour work weeks, volunteer time (which I have already cut back on and categorically refuse to cut back any further), dealing with kids’ schoolwork (yeah, even though they are in university), “commuting” to and from Montreal to deal with my mother and my incredibly irritating sister, and then emotional angst which finds its slippery, insidious way on a regular basis through the reality that is my life and I am ONE crankypants individual these days!
So there I am – up at 3:15 am, emptying the dishwasher, putting on laundry, making lunches, walking dogs ... all before 4:45 a.m. .. then a 10 hour workday where I don't get a chance to breath and THEN getting home at 6, preparing a healthy dinner and feeding people at 7 or later ... then more laundry, more cleaning, walking dogs again.... edit a few essays, make a few fruitcakes, sort out some papers ....and falling into bed at 11 or so and sleeping a few hours until the clarion call of 3:15 coaxes me out of a restless sleep yet again...
I resent the hell out of the fact that there is no such thing as “my time” – you know, that TIME where I get to kick back, perhaps enjoy some of the things I enjoy doing – like blogging or WRITING damn it. It just doesn’t exist.... just like my ‘space’ in my home which doesn’t exist.
And I am well aware that when in this moody, wilful, irritated and unreasonable state of mind, I probably should NOT write as issues which as a rule aggravate me past the “irritation” quotient and morph into rant mode.
But of course, as I AM a wilful, irritating and oftentimes, unreasonable individual, I’m going to anyway.
First, there are those who no doubt BECAUSE of said wilfulness, coupled with a rather noticeable lack of “sweetness” together with a rather glaring lack of nobility as probably the anthethsis of “submissive”. Which brings me to my rant. Why is that that submissive women are so often depicted as these saintly, self-sacrificing, WUSSES all the time??
I should simply take a deep breath and calm down as it is –and I KNOW this – such a web phenomenon .. this creation of a “perfect” submissive creature with her sweet personality, eagerness to adhere to her dominant’s every thought, word and deed, her constant yearning for control and management, her willingness to suspend her own beliefs, inner convictions and urges to the “greater” wisdom and ultimate firm hand of her dominant.
Why in the world should submissive women be pigeonholed into a narrow interpretation of personality and “acceptable” traits?
We are not cardboard cut-outs, created out of whole cloth to fit a mould formed by the adolescent fantasies of online would-be dominants.
Submission, when all is said and done, is simply one facet of the complicated psyches of an individual who carries with them all the intricacies, quirkiness and individuality of ANY human being. Because I have chosen in the past to submit to someone whom I admire, respect and love does not mean that magically, all those “undesirable” selkie traits like my wilfulness, stubbornness, temper and tendency to be controlling (GASP, yeah, truly!) and inescapable propensity to make snap judgments and react emotionally are suddenly GONE.
Nope. Sorry boys, still me here!
And during the many years when I lived in a dynamic which very much encompassed the D/s ideal, I was still a wilful bitch- quite a lot truth be told! I’m intense and emotional and quick-tempered ... but damn it, I was a pretty damn GOOD submissive with all of that!
Thank god that I lived a real life dynamic .. because if I were dipping my toe in BDSM waters for the first time by perusing the internet alone, I might very well have never recognized the reality of my innate submissiveness nor felt I in any way or form fit the “mould”.
Because the popular concept of the delicate, noble, subservient and retiring submissive is about as far from this pugnacious, determined, opinionated redhead as can be...
And I am NOT bashing anyone’s own concept of a dynamic which turns their crank; just pointing out that however you cut the cloth, pushing, squeezing and forcing people into predetermined shapes with the commensurate “traits” will ultimately be self-defeating and in the end, nix the possibility of living a rich, multi-faceted, rewarding dynamic which encompasses, embraces and accepts the reality of each individual.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I'm absoultely SWAMPED at work - beyond all - we are so short-staffed and overwhelmed with work PLUS major things to do at home! Trying to winterize house, clean up garden, kid-related stuff and at least three trips to Montreal to see my mum in the next 6 to 7 weeks .... so taking a time-out.
Will catch up with everyone soon when I catch my breath!
still treading water ... will catch up when I get a moment- in the interim, was going to rework the last post but don't have the time, so am leaving it the way it was.
Will catch up with everyone soon when I catch my breath!
still treading water ... will catch up when I get a moment- in the interim, was going to rework the last post but don't have the time, so am leaving it the way it was.
Posted by selkie at 6:08 AM
Monday, October 12, 2009
why would you choose to be with someone who doesn't
encourage you and want you to be all who you are???
Some time ago, Terri, at her blog Honor Yourself posed this question and sent me into a veritable storm of thought and musings (quoted with her permission). Her entire discussion is WELL worth the read and I urge you to go there and learn. Truth be told, I actually wrote a passionate diatribe about this very thing, then decided in the end that I wasn’t comfortable posting it.
However, both Sir J , mouse and JZ have all approached this same question from similar but slightly different perspectives quite recently.
What resonates most with Sir J’s musings are his comments:
And inside the box of this relationship, when you look in the mirror at yourself, what do you see? How do you look? Do you look good . . . or no? Do you feel good? Does this relationship enhance your well-being? Does this relationship offer you opportunities to enhance the well-being of another? Does this relationship encourage you to become your Highest Self? How would you like for this relationship to stay the same? How would you like for this relationship to change? Are there steps you need to take to change who you are in this relationship?
Mouse’s words also had import to me:
Of course, our relationship "box" isn't really a box, to me it's an old house built long ago. The foundation is solid, and the bones of the house are in great shape. It has magnificent flow. Yes, it creaks and sometimes groans, it expands and contracts with the weather. It must be maintained.
Now JZ’s comments, while not directed towards the exact same subject so aptly covered by Sir J and mouse still address the same basic concept. In her case, she realized that being with someone who did not accept ALL the complicated, myriad aspects of self was not worth the price.
Why do so many people not value themselves?
How does one assess self-worth?
WHY would someone stay in a relationship with an individual who neither supports nor encourages you and in fact does not wish you to be everything you CAN be?
So I sit here wondering WHY is it so difficult for so many of us to figure out something so utterly true?
“Youth is wasted on the young” (Geroge Bernard Shaw)
Not that I truly believe that but certainly while there are sometimes wise youth, I think experience if accompanied by commensurate insight and a willingness to change brings with it its own rewards. One of them is the wisdom to grasp to your heart, to feel to your soul, the truth of those words.
are you living your life as you?
or are you living your life as your partner's perception of you?
The past several years have revealed some hard truths to me; truths which undermined the very foundation of my trust, beliefs and heartfelt convictions. Truths which forced me to reconsider memories I thought real and instead learned were delusion.
And the lessons were harsh.
I learned my faith was illusionary, insubstantial and unable to be sustained in the glaring light of reality, the veil parted and the light implacable. I was taught I could not rely on my very recollections and memories, that they were flawed and delusional. I learned that trust, once broken, is incredibly difficult to regain and that what I perceived to be my strengths were in truth fundamental weaknesses in character.
I learned I was a fool.
I internalized the total stupidity of my own perceptions and was disgusted and appalled at my wilful ignorance.
But together with the crumbling of the foundations of self, came insight, hard won, painful and real. Insight into my own willingness to sustain fabrication and coat unpalatable reality with a patina of romance. I was also given the insight to weigh the cost of my misplaced beliefs and see, at least partially, the price of such lack of perception.
And when all was said and done, the pain was hardly just mine and mine alone.
When you pull apart the roots of two entwined plants, both suffer, both falter, both must fight to regain strength and health and beauty.
For every action there is a reaction ….
Only recently, have I been able to see beyond the chaos of my own emotions and internalize the absolute truth that I do not exist in a vacuum. The very act of inflicting pain engenders an agony of heart and mind that rivalled the extent of my own confusion and despair.
And, when I look at the question again – I see clearly that my own disfunctions, insecurities and wilfulness had their part in perhaps pushing another individual to live your life as your partner's perception of you?
Et tu, Brutus? Indeed.
Because the reality is that when one survives tsnami, then your life priorities, your knowledge of self and perceptions of your reality are irrevocably changed. And though we demonize change a lot and make it negative, it can also be positive (though truth be told, it is neither good nor bad, it just IS).
I am a stronger person today.
I am a more self-aware person today.
My ego, which I thought utterly fragile, has somehow survived, battered, bruised and scarred, but still me (I think - truth be told sometimes I find myself perplexed at this new me, unrecognizable as she is in some ways).
And my will is slowly re-establishing its determination and strength to move forward, to mend the broken parts of me and forge new, stronger ties and to foster a deeper understanding of what I need in life to make me content.
Some goals are long-term and will require a great deal of work, others, more short-term and simpler are straightforward and there are even a few that I feel have already been mastered to a greater or lesser degree.
The truth is that the future remains opaque; my path obscured, but I have mustered the strength to keep forging ahead, to place one foot in front of another and just keep moving … and in that sense that is a huge victory as a year ago, I was mired in a despair so overwhelming I questioned my ability to survive.
Today I find a measure of peace (at times).
Today I find a measure of understanding (at time).
Today I know I will see tomorrow.
Today I am sadder.
Today, I find it more difficult to find joy.
Today, I’m trying to figure out who “me” is.
The reality is that no matter the type of dynamic, every single one of us should periodically step outside our current realities and try our best to look, with an unbiased eye (or as close as we can to being removed from the emotion of the situation) at the reality of our lives. We need to pragmatically figure out what is working for us, what is not. We need to honestly admit to ourselves the positives of the dynamic and the inevitable negatives and then weigh one against the other.
If the balance is weighted towards the negative side of the equation, THEN we need to look inside and figure out why we are allowing ourselves to maintain a status quo that in the end, provides very little positive spiritual energy to our lives.
Insights granted me at a sometimes painful cost are nonetheless illuminating. I realized that my quietly social nature has been very much suppressed – to a degree that horrified me when I saw the extent of my withdrawal from human interaction. I realized too that my writing, always an integral, crucial part of who I am can no longer be a bargaining chip; it is and will remain something that is as important to me as breathing and I will never again allow pressure – whether overt or subtle - to dissuade me from practicing my passion.
More esoteric insights were also granted me; for instance, I learned to recognize how susceptible I am at creating demons when sometimes there are none. I learned I am far too sensitive and prone to create drama when none is intended.
And I learned too how MY actions, whether deliberate or careless, provoking or ignorant, have in turn THEIR impact on those close to me – and that as I expect others to take responsibility, so too must I stand up and accept the role I have had in causing agony of mind.
In the end, self-awareness is crucial to a balanced life. A continuing and honest appraisal of our personal goals, needs and wants should and must be a part of maintaining a healthy mind and spirit. The fallibility of human nature is inarguable; but so too is our capacity to seek wisdom and balance and to gain illumination and
self-awareness is infinite and in its own way, inspiring.
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. (Marie Curie)
Posted by selkie at 10:42 AM
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I’m always fascinated by the intricacies of people’s lives and the motivations, checks and balances that individuals use to make sense of their existence. One of the things I work actively at is to suspend critical thinking and try to understand and internalize everyone’s right to live their lives as they see fit, to accept with equanimity practices I might find curious, perplexing, even, in my personal view, pointless!
The critical, pragmatic selkie however, DOES find it difficult – almost impossible – to suspend belief in certain instances or with respect to certain claims I just cannot find credible or actions for which I simply don’t see a point ... other than to say “I made her do it”.
One of the sticking points for me centers on the many discussion I see (usually in a D/s or M/s context) about orgasm control and ‘coming on command’.
Bottom line, I CANNOT, no matter how open-minded I try to be, no matter how credulous I try to pretend to believe (a) in the efficacy of “orgasm control” (on many levels to be discussed), and (b) that ‘coming on command’ is possible.
There, I’m not going to wrap it up in placatory language or obfuscate it with adjectives.
I don’t understand the need for “orgasm control” and bottom line, I do NOT believe that ‘coming on command’ is possible – I just don’t.
1) Orgasm control
First, let’s talk about female orgasms.
MY reality - based on science and yeah, personal knowledge – is that women’s orgasms are at best a complicated process.
Just a quick look at readily available material:
- According to a 1999 survey, around 43 per cent of women in the US have some sort of problem with their sex lives (Journal of the American Medical Association, vol 281, page 537).
- recent Redbook survey shows that 52% of women regularly fake orgasms
- Most women need about 20 minutes of clitoral or G-spot stimulation to hit the jackpot. But an estimated 24 to 37 percent of women can't climax (and smoking, drinking, emotional disorders, medications, and menopause can make things worse). The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press),
- According to the first genetic study of the female orgasm, up to 45 per cent of the variation in women’s ability to have them could be down to genes.
- The Hite Report found that a whopping 70% of women reported not being able to archive orgasm through just in/out vaginal sex.
Now the reality is that I have only ever read about “orgasm control” online – any real time friends I have tend to find it as perplexing as me. Again, I reiterate, I don’t knock it, I just don’t get it.
Further on, he brings out one of my most compelling points, which is:
in the light of absolutely no empirical evidence. with the fact that there is not one of the foremost institutes that study human sexuality, that has done, or even given the topic of orgasm on command without any prior physical stimulation, any credence, let alone seriously looked at the phenomenon, that a search for any article in the scientific community has come up short. i have been unable to find even any reputable BDSM authors that have dealt with the subject. (my emphasis)
I’ve had this argument before, of course. On my very brief sojourn on Fetlife I remember getting into an argument there and still giggle at the dominant who claims to make his submissive orgasm by pulling her finger LOL… because the IMMATURE selkie can only laugh and think of what “pulling the finger” meant when I was a kid – and it wasn’t an orgasm!
Again, almost exclusively, the whole subject of “coming on command’ seems to me to be one of those internet myths, which is remarkably handy in view of the fact that empirical evidence is never actually provided.
The bottom line is that ancedotal exmaples simply don't and won't convince me. I hold firm to my belief that until emperical evidence is proferred, it is a fun fantasy and nothing more.
Posted by selkie at 6:45 AM
Monday, October 5, 2009
- You GO girl.... Toronto dominatrix challenges the Courts .... "The 49-year-old Toronto grandmother, along with prostitutes Valerie Scott, 51, and Amy Lebovitch, 30, is asking Ontario's Superior Court of Justice to invalidate Criminal Code provisions that serve as Canada's policy response to the world's oldest profession."
- Scuse me for NOT having one bit of sympathy for this damn predator ... and on top of that he tries to inflict guilt on victims for coming forward and doesn't have the guts to kill himself but makes some poor train driver do it for him. Good riddance to at least one predator.
- WTF?? REVERSING on the 401? Have seen it countless times; in fact my very FIRST time driving on the 401 I had to institute some evasive action to avoid hitting an friggin idiot who missed his exit and was REVERSING on a highway where the avearge speed was 130 km ... the real victim in this is the poor truck driver - who while fortunate enough not to be badly hurt, nonetheless is no doubt traumitized that his truck hit and killed someone (through no fault of his own)
- Yes, you should have to pay. There seems to be a tendency in Canada to accept everyone; we are becoming a joke among the world's exploiters who come here for our healthy care, dump their elderly high-cost family members and shout we MUST pay for it all - it's time new policies were enacted. If there was a true commitment to this nation, an acceptance of our culture and our viewpoints, then fine, but there is NOT.
- Censorship raises its ugly head ... yet again
Posted by selkie at 8:20 AM
Saturday, October 3, 2009
A blog I read recently spoke of the perceived dilemma of maintaining protocols and formalities when out in the world. In short, basically in terms of using certain pejoratives, the individuals would in effect be indicating that their lifestyle choice was far from mainstream.
I’m not ashamed of what I am nor of the dynamic that I once enjoyed. Had someone confronted me directly, I would most likely have admitted to my choices; certainly my blog isn’t hidden, nor is my picture (which is up to date) and my nic, “selkie” is well known among close friends and family.
Having said that, D. and I NEVER made it obvious in our home, in our careers nor in out friendships which were out of the realm of kink. Not due to shame or embarrassment but quite simply, out of respect for others.
My kink is my kink.
But kink can be powerfully affecting to individuals unfamiliar with the intricacies of the various dynamics. It can have an unreasonably powerful impact on those who don’t understand the underlying motivations and rewards and can be extremely off-putting to the uninitiated when exposed to some of the more esoteric practices.
Obviously, none of us live in a vacuum. Influences abound which mould and affect all of us and each of us carries with us innate prejudices, decided opinions and concepts of how we perceive life and humanity in general. With the sheer volume of dross out there in cyber space, for instance, every lifestyle choice, esoteric concepts and practices are easily accessible to the curious who wish to satisfy prurient interests without actually exposing themselves.
I think especially those who practice lifestyle related practices predominantly online lose sight of the realities which would meet its actualities in real time. The other anomaly of course are those who assert online that they are “out” in real life but don’t even provide a real photograph!
Most of us work fulltime these days – women and men. To be taken seriously, to engender respect and the development of professional work relationships requires confidence, determination and strength. Yeah, even for submissives (female and male).
The REALITY of our human experience is that we are judged on our appearance. We are judged on our demeanour. We are judged in how we present ourselves and how we conduct ourselves. And yes, we ARE judged on our lifestyle choices.
Is this so odd? Do we not tell our children that people will judge them on how they look? act? present themselves? Do we not draw our OWN conclusions when we meet people based on those self-same markers - which - before a friendship is developed, is ALL we have on which to base an opinion?
Any woman or man who comes "out" to people lacking the basic understanding and commensurate knowledge of the spectrum of a D/s or M/s relationship (one which includes respect, caring and encouragement of intelligence, ability and skills), would most definitely court almost certain disrespect and immediate disdain from individuals who would walk away with a very skewed perception of the worth of someone they thought about in very different terms before the insight.
I am the first to “stand up and be counted” when it comes to defending an ideal, acknowledging the right to personal beliefs and fighting for personal freedoms.
But I also live in the real world.
Apart from the professional arena; I admit I have strong views (big surprise!) on the more obvious practices and powerful protocols used on a personal level when children are involved. Certainly, when it comes to children, very few people do NOT have decided views on upbringing.
For me, however, introducing a lifestyle to children that carries with it such obvious preferences and powerful protocols is wrong. AS wrong as exposing them (in my opinion) to any kind of influence which will unduly influence and prejudice them – from fanatical religious views (of any flavour) to prejudices against race, colour or gender.
Females already face an uneven playing field (albeit, a better turf than when I was young). Having my girls and my boy indoctrinated into believing that women are “naturally” subservient and men “naturally” dominant is repugnant (or for that matter, vice versa). I want them to choose their own paths; as much as possible I want to bring them up with open minds, unmarred by my own known preferences.
Finally, the intimacy engendered by a working D/s (or M/s) relationship is also precious and to me, personal. Even before embracing the lifestyle, I was intensely private when it came to my relationship. I was never one for necking in public, hanging over my significant other, or even for ‘cutsey’ nicknames and billing and cooing at each other.
I saw no reason to adopt a different attitude once we became D/s.
Frankly, flaunting it to a degree that makes it offensive to mainstream society is more about a cry for attention than a true commitment to, and pride, in your relationship. I know there are those who bleat that ‘they are not ashamed’ and go around with obvious collars, fawning attitudes, arrogance and adopt extreme attitudes and clothing choices, but to me, they are poseurs who like teenagers are trying to shock, and ultimately, crave attention.
Is your dynamic any less influential because you are discrete?
Are you any less a submissive/slave, dominant/Master because you recognize realities?
Or, rather, are you in fact truly engaged in a real relationship which carries with it the commensurate responsibilities owed by each member of society to function within the confines of generally accepted norms?
Further, there are many and varied ways to underline and enhance a dynamic without being offensive, outrageous or forcing non-participants to become voyeurs. Intimacy carries with it, its own language, its own signs and signals. None of which need to be shared with the general public – kinky or not.
How we present ourselves to a society which initially judges based on appearance and demeanour largely determines to what level and degree we are accepted and how seriously we are taken. But apart from the need to preserve dignity and maintain decorum (and rightly so) in a professional environment, I also find it offensive to believe that it is acceptable to force our choices on each those who neither understand, desire or require an intimate glimpse into what is essentially a private choice.
Posted by selkie at 8:49 PM