Thursday, October 8, 2009

Orgasm Control and "Coming on Command" OH MY....


I’m always fascinated by the intricacies of people’s lives and the motivations, checks and balances that individuals use to make sense of their existence. One of the things I work actively at is to suspend critical thinking and try to understand and internalize everyone’s right to live their lives as they see fit, to accept with equanimity practices I might find curious, perplexing, even, in my personal view, pointless!


The critical, pragmatic selkie however, DOES find it difficult – almost impossible – to suspend belief in certain instances or with respect to certain claims I just cannot find credible or actions for which I simply don’t see a point ... other than to say “I made her do it”.

One of the sticking points for me centers on the many discussion I see (usually in a D/s or M/s context) about orgasm control and ‘coming on command’.

Bottom line, I CANNOT, no matter how open-minded I try to be, no matter how credulous I try to pretend to believe (a) in the efficacy of “orgasm control” (on many levels to be discussed), and (b) that ‘coming on command’ is possible.

There, I’m not going to wrap it up in placatory language or obfuscate it with adjectives.

I don’t understand the need for “orgasm control” and bottom line, I do NOT believe that ‘coming on command’ is possible – I just don’t.

1) Orgasm control

First, let’s talk about female orgasms.

MY reality - based on science and yeah, personal knowledge – is that women’s orgasms are at best a complicated process.

Just a quick look at readily available material:
  •  According to a 1999 survey, around 43 per cent of women in the US have some sort of problem with their sex lives (Journal of the American Medical Association, vol 281, page 537).
  •   recent Redbook survey shows that 52% of women regularly fake orgasms
  •  Most women need about 20 minutes of clitoral or G-spot stimulation to hit the jackpot. But an estimated 24 to 37 percent of women can't climax (and smoking, drinking, emotional disorders, medications, and menopause can make things worse). The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press),
  •  According to the first genetic study of the female orgasm, up to 45 per cent of the variation in women’s ability to have them could be down to genes.
  •  The Hite Report found that a whopping 70% of women reported not being able to archive orgasm through just in/out vaginal sex.

Now the reality is that I have only ever read about “orgasm control” online – any real time friends I have tend to find it as perplexing as me. Again, I reiterate, I don’t knock it, I just don’t get it.

 
However, Vesta does a great job of discussing the “logic” of it which I can grasp to a limited extent but which ultimately I still don’t understand. Denying an orgasm? When in MOST cases, the majority of women generally grapple with the REALITY of orgasming period? Not getting that part (and yeah, will probably get inundated with people assuring me they can orgasm 30 times a day; and yes, I believe there are women like that but still assert that they are the MINORITY – and science bears me out).

 
The whole orgasm control thing escapes me – and I admit readily that is a personal opinion and preference only. Obviously I have no objection if it turns your crank, as they say – different strokes for different folks!

 
Another point which swan mentions in Wednesday's blog – is that as tenuous as orgasms can be for any woman, for aging women it can prove even more of a challenge. Menopause, medical issues, life stressors, time crunches and responsibilities are all factors which negatively and inexorably impact a woman’s ability to orgasm (which requires, when all is said and done, a mental ability to ‘let go’, something many women AND service-oriented submissive women who live to please, have trouble with).

  
Further, delaying an orgasm by coaxing someone almost to a peak, then back down again and again, while it CAN be a very effective form of sexual interplay (and not to be confused with creating rules around when and where one can have an orgasm) can backfire - badly. It can, as D. points out, derail the focus most of us need to reach the top. JZ in her comments to Vesta’s blog cited above, also wisely points out that repeated and prolonged denial can ultimately negatively impact a woman’s natural ability to relax enough to orgasm. This I know to be true as I experienced it personally.

  
But, the physical realities aside, I just don’t “get” what orgasm denial is supposed to accomplish. Perhaps it is because I am, at heart, a pragmatist, and a time-crunched one at that. It astonishes me that individuals have the TIME to indulge in such extended “play” with no appreciable purpose that I can ascertain other than to deny what I would think one would want to ENCOURAGE.

 
Of course, I concede that for some individuals, dominant or submissive, orgasm control is an important part of their overall dynamic. I just don’t understand why a dominant would feel the need to exert that kind of control over something that ultimately proves so little. Orgasm control as a power tool also leaves me cold from the perspective of a practical, service-oriented submissive, I don’t really see its purpose. Oral worship of HIM I get, directives regarding practicalities to do with his comfort I understand, but controlling my sexuality because you “can”? Not sure what that accomplishes.

 
2) Coming on command

  
This seems such a popular subject out here on the net. I think it gives the illusion of such total control and dominance that the concept is in itself deliciously irresistible to both dominants and submissives alike. I believe implicitly that many feel it provides the ultimate proof of dominance and even for the submissive, inexorably underlines the extent of her submissiveness (i.e. her mind is so much HIS – because I’ve YET to hear about a female dominant MAKING a male submissive “come on command” – without any kind of physical stimulation!).

  
Bottom line? I think its bullshit. I do NOT believe it can be done.

  
I’m a bit of a reader and have read voraciously on many subjects, human sexuality included. The science of sexuality is a multi-billion dollar business – sex sells. Science continues to search (so far with only limited success) for answers to the capriciousness of female sexuality. I do NOT think for one second that IF ‘coming on command’ could be empirically proven that the scientific community would not have JUMPED on this and done copious studies and have streams of evidence proving the veracity of this ability.

  
Further, I would conjecture that a form of psychological manipulation is implicit in the practice; and as very few dominants out there have pursued degrees in psychiatry or psychology, I hardly believe that most have the necessary tools to create what is in essence, an incredibly difficult manipulation of the human mind.

  
Reconditioning is an incredibly difficult thing to accomplish. The human psyche is complicated and tenacious and if it were simplistic to change bodily and mental functions then none of us would have any bad habits – which simply is not true.

 
D. engaged in an interesting discussion on Fet (if anyone wants the link, let me know)- where basically he made what I consider some extremely salient points. At one point, he addresses one dominant’s assertion that it can be done through behavioural conditioning:

  
I understand your pavlovian argument, of behavioral shaping for the desired response, but i see it as infinitely difficult, because of all of the variables,( social, emotional and physical,) to achieve, it may be possible. if it was simple and easy i would think that the information would be made readily available for a price. someone would have written a book and made an instructional video.

  
it is difficult enough to train and help someone to alter their cognitive behaviours, ie. treating those who smoke, over eat, suffer from anxiety, fears, compulsions, phobias, and anger management problems etc.. it takes hours and hour of therapy, years of work and in a lot of cases, medication, before the desire behavior is firmly imprinted, and a lot of times the therapy is never completely successful.

 

 Further on, he brings out one of my most compelling points, which is:

 
in the light of absolutely no empirical evidence. with the fact that there is not one of the foremost institutes that study human sexuality, that has done, or even given the topic of orgasm on command without any prior physical stimulation, any credence, let alone seriously looked at the phenomenon, that a search for any article in the scientific community has come up short. i have been unable to find even any reputable BDSM authors that have dealt with the subject. (my emphasis)

   
I’ve had this argument before, of course. On my very brief sojourn on Fetlife I remember getting into an argument there and still giggle at the dominant who claims to make his submissive orgasm by pulling her finger LOL… because the IMMATURE selkie can only laugh and think of what “pulling the finger” meant when I was a kid – and it wasn’t an orgasm!


 Again, almost exclusively, the whole subject of “coming on command’ seems to me to be one of those internet myths, which is remarkably handy in view of the fact that empirical evidence is never actually provided.

  
I even concede that certain individuals may have convinced themselves either that they can order and make their submissive or slave come or conversely, that a submissive or slave is so eager to please that she thinks or gives the impression that she can accede. I think it naive if one thinks that not a possibility! It is the nature of submissives and slaves to please, to want to make their dominant proud.

The bottom line is that ancedotal exmaples simply don't and won't convince me.  I hold firm to my belief that until emperical evidence is proferred, it is a fun fantasy and nothing more.

  
Further, the BAD selkie can’t help thinking that it sure lets the dominant out of ensuring sexual pleasure is experienced by the submissive … no work involved in saying a few words. In that sense, this touches on another belief of mine – which is people generally tend to exaggerate the amount –and quality –of sexual interplay in which they indulge. But that is a rant for another blog...

27 comments:

littleone said...

i am sitting here grinning... you may have given me a whole new topic to discuss.. (ya know how much i love to "borrow" topics !!)

BUT two things..

one orgasm control.. i guess in a way Sir has done that with me.. when we met.. i used my vibrator every day if not more.. then Sir said i had to ask for permission to use it... well .. i found that embarrassing and didn't want to..so i would go days with no sexual release/play.....

When it all got too much i would send Him an email asking for permission (or a text message) much easier to ask in writing than in voice/ face to face..

Then i discovered i lost interest.. totally and completely in playing with myself.. even when He would leave me an evening task to use my vibrators it held no great joy........

What has happened .. in my opinion.. is my body learned to not have the need.. at least not as frequently... and personally i don't think that is such a good thing... shrug... but that is where my body is now.. loss of interest.

second point.. this whole orgasm on command crap.......... yeah crap.... long ago and far away... i learned how easy it was to fake an orgasm.. so when i got bored with the fumblings of a less than adequate lover.. i would have an earth shattering.. bed rattling.. back arching "orgasm".... it was so simple ......... then after they were gone.. i would lean over grab my trusty vibrator and have a wonderful orgasm all by myself..

faking is not an art.. it is a necessity from time to time.. and i honestly think these good lil subbies have learned how to instantly produce these orgasms to prove how wonderful their Master is... and how wonderful they are.. i also think they believe they are coming on command.. cause with time.. one can forget all sorts of things.. including what a REAL orgasm feels like..

and that's my opinion..

(probably no need for a blog now)

morningstar (owned by Warren)

selkie said...

write one anyway, morningstar- I LOVE your rants!! grins.

and yeah, the point you make is one I made badly - I believe in MOST cases that is EXACTLY what happens and I just fail to see how in any way or means that is a "good" thing. To me a dominant who ensures his submissive NEVER gets pleasure ... well that's screwed up to my mind...

and yeah, that is my take on coming on command too...

Sir J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sir J said...

From a Dominants point of view or at least from this ones.

I would rather try and train a fly to sit and roll over then a woman to cum on demand. Although I agree completely with Selkie and Morningstar about the importance of allowing submissive to have an orgasm I write the Dominants view and as such why would I want to give up all the delicious fun of getting her there.

Some things should be done with a command, laundry and vacuuming for instance but orgasms???. Isn't that taking away a pretty good reason for living for the Dominant as well? If making her have one has become that much work or it is that blasé for you I suggest it is time to re think some priorities.

Now I make my sub ask permission to orgasm but it is not about controlling her cumming. The act of asking me for things and in particular that thing makes her hot. However rarely and only with a sense of play do I say no.

cultivateddiscipline said...

Now why would you go and poke a big, giant hole in that bubble? And use facts? Documented empirical evidence? Shame on you Selkie. Don't you know there are hundreds of people lying to themselves and others right now about their 'control' over the orgasms of their 'property'.

You hit the nail on the head with facts and I am sure you will be criticized for it but jeez, someone has to tell the truth occasionally. I have known women who are multi-orgasmic, but there are other components that go into all of that other than he said cum. Maybe those gals and guys are so tuned into each other on certain levels that they unconsciously hit all of the marks necessary to ensure the successful orgasm of the woman. Idk, observation would lean towards yes.

The dominant men that I personally know seem more interested in the woman actually having the orgasm than not having the orgasm. The idea of asking to cum more or less lets him know he got the job done, although I can see where it introduces the possibility of a dominant saying no - I must be honest, that would be pointless.

To morningstar's point, asking to masturbate will either decrease the number of times I do it or increase the number of times I lie about doing it. I still find it embarrassing to ask for permission to do that.

mouse said...

selkie, thank you for such a wonderful topic! One of the tools Alpha used to get me NOT to orgasm was denial, he would routinely bring me to the edge then leave me there (along with other ways) It caused confusion and anxiety added to the problem was when I as punished for doing it when I was told to be with others.

Orgasm became something for me that caused fear and distress.

Omega works hard to get me to the point where I can orgasm. Seriously hard. However I do find it incredibly sexy when he'll ask me if I want to orgasm. Or sometimes he'll tell me to orgasm for him. OMG that just sends me flying. I love it. though I never have actually done it on that command, I have gotten a lot closer to it, than maybe I would have without. For me, its more than physically making love, he also makes love to my mind.

However it's far from barking an order for me to orgasm. That's just too When Harry Met Sally (deli scene). LOL

Thanks you,
mouse

Jz said...

You go, girl!!!
(mad pom-pom waving ensues)

Female orgasms can be a tough thing to be honest about. Popular myth would have it that a woman who has trouble is not a hot, desirable woman. And a man who can't make his woman cum is loser in bed.
Neither of these perceptions is true but we all pussyfoot around reality because the perceived loss of face is so great.

Great post and excellent comments, all.

Anonymous said...

I don't have a Google account so I am posting as Anonymous, but if you want to speak with me I am Dom4SmartYngFSub on fetlife.

I Want to comment on the subject of orgasm on command. I am a dominant man, that has been fortunate to have very close relationships with submissive women in which orgasm on command was part of our experience together. For a woman to orgasm on command she needs to have complete trust in her dominant, she needs to be completely committed to pleasing him/her, she also needs to be in a very obedient and submissive mindset. In some ways the best analogy to orgasm on command is the creation of a hypnotic state in which arousal and obedience are her sole focus. Under those circumstances, orgasm on command is not only very real, it is repeatable and powerful. After trust and love are established and fear is alleviated orgasm on command for my submissive is expected.

I welcome any discussion on it, because it seems to be such a contested subject.

Vesta said...

I'm not prepared to count anything out. I don't see why a certain girl could not come on demand. Persephone certainly seemed to be able to do that often in her relationship with her owner. I doubt it happens with too many girls, but I think it is entirely possible in a certain mindset.

What really fascinates me is that I actually thought I was the odd one out when I was upset (as well as aroused) about having to ask or get permission, or be denied, the right to orgasm. I thought perhaps I was just the greedy kind who refused to cede control over my own body. I see that many girls feel that it interferes with their arousal and that comes as a bit of a shock to me, since I also figure I'm less well behaved, I guess. (Is that a plot, I'm wondering?!) If the dom is the kind that wants to turn his girl on, (the only kind worth having, by the way) then his efforts to deny her an orgasm are in fact, to ensure she gets one. If it isn't working out that way, then the connections in the brain haven't been made and he needs to try something else.

Remember what I said about fun? FUN; that's the goal.

greengirl said...

I can't speak about orgasm denial as a general rule. But I do agree that asking permission to masturbate leads to a decision that the embarrasment or hassel outweighs the desire - which of course deconditions the desire. Overall, there is (for me at least) a very fine line between delayed enough to build up anticipation and need, and the principle of use it or lose it.

I can see, however, where shifting the focus in the immediate term away from the goal and onto the process may make the process a lot more enjoyable.

PK said...

I dated someone who was into orgasm control and claimed he could 'learn' me to come on demand.

He was such an ass that I didn't stick around to see if it was true.

In truth, I really don't think I have the patience for someone like that. If it rock someone's boat to think he can do that, and I don't doubt that there is that odd person that can be 'trained' to his will, rock on. Do your thing.

But for me, I just don't give a shite. :-)

Buffalo said...

I'm thinkin' anyone believing orgasm on command exists is living in a fantasy world of delusional self-importance - or they are on some really good meds they should be sharing.

selkie said...

Sir J- thank you for your fair and reasoned view of it from the “other” perspective. And yes, you brought up something that I always found odd too – which is the WHY. Your final sentences also make sense – there is nothing wrong with some delightful teasing and anticipation!

CD – exactly – I believe that you know – to be kind I say they’re “fooling” themselves but yeah, it’s lying! I find it interesting that the embarrassment factor is so huge for so many of us – are you dominant types listening?? And agreed, there are SOME women that are multiorgasmic, and no doubt there can be SOME women that can “come on command” – but frankly, the percentage would be so low and I bet impossible to prove with empirical evidence.

Mouse- that is negative conditioning from someone who didn’t really grasp the ultimate consequences. I don’t deny that people can be conditioned. What your comments show is how fragile a woman’s sexuality truly is – and how it can be derailed very easily. Now, vis-a-vis Omega – I totally “get” that – but it is hardly “coming on command”. Rather it is interplay between you two – and he obviously very much knows what works for you. I don’t think a one of us here would argue that having the man say the actual “words” at the RIGHT time and right moment can send us over – but that is NOT the same as strolling through a grocery store and the fella grabbing your finger and pulling and saying under his breath “Come now bitch”. LOL at Harry met Sally scene – there’s not a one of us that can’t relate LOL

JZ – too many times people ignore the elephant in the bed.

selkie said...

To the Dom – thank you for dropping by (and I would be curious what brought you by my little obscure corner) – but I have to point out that in your comment you perpetuate one of the points I was making - For a woman to orgasm on command she needs to have complete trust in her dominant, she needs to be completely committed to pleasing him/her, she also needs to be in a very obedient and submissive mindset. That plays RIGHT into my point that certain people indulge in – which is “i’m a better sub than you because ...” or “I’m a better dom than you because..”= further it smacks of blaming the submissive – suggesting that she MUST NOT be a good enough submissive as she FAILS to have complete trust. You suggest that complete trust would do it – I don’t agree – show me the evidence – please – I would love to be proved wrong! I truly am not interested in anecdotal evidence – because bottom line, I don’t believe it – it is easy to fake things- easy for the dominant, easy for the submissive – and for some odd reason, some believe it lends a cachet to the state of their submissiveness or domliness. I would also challenge your assertion that it is analogous to a hypnotic state – hypnosis is a very uncertain discipline and works only on some people and to a limited extent. And that is from people who have studied and learned the art and perfected the techniques ... not someone who reads Hypnotism 100 self-help books.

I apologize for the passion of my response – but you are simply perpetuating the same tired arguments I’ve heard over and over and over again. Show me scientific proof – introduce me to the studies you’ve done for laboratories and studies and I’ll promise to be credulous. And I don’t do Fet – it is too full of nonsense and my Irish temper flared up too much lOL

selkie said...

Vesta – I concede that in a very LIMITED number of people (and sorry, but I think the numbers are so low that I reiterate, the numbers wouldn’t even provide fodder for a study) it can happen. For instance, when researching this, I discovered an article about paraplegic women (no feeling below waist) were able to experience orgasms in sleep. And I am so appreciative with your original blog as it has engendered a really fascinating discussion! I see so many of us have certain similar issues that it is sorta nice to know we are not alone!

Greengirl – certainly for a lot of us, that seems to be the case. I also understand a certain playing around with things, that can be arousing and ultimately increase anticipation and pleasure.

PK- good for you! Agreed, the minute I hear someone claim that I’m like, oh boy, and what rock did you crawl out from under?

Buff- don’t mince your words LOL – you just said succinctly exactly what i think.

kannakat said...

Bravo, selkie! Someone had to tear off the Emperor's New Clothes. No better woman than yourself!
Long-term denial causses loss of interest. Coming on command can only be possible if the woman is already so turned on that the smallest thing will tip her over - even a gruff command. Them's my views anyway.

JMDee said...

I think most of my intelligent thoughts have been covered already, but I can't help but laugh at some not-so-academic thoughts.

I keep thinking about orgasming on command, which leads me to thinking about on-demand cable. John has a cable company as a client in some of his work and there is a lot of industry scrambling going on to figure out how to handle TV when so much is available on line and I'm just thinking that if they could master the art of the orgasm-on-demand they'll be industry heroes. :)

Also, did you ever catch the TV show Mad About You? Because there was an episode with Nathan Lane where he plays a professor who is able to bring his partner to orgasm with just a look. The whole episode Paul Reiser is running around making ridiculous faces at his wife to no avail-- funny stuff.

Thanks for the post though, and excellent points.

Florida Dom said...

Selkie: Orgasm denial brings to mind the old line about use it or lose it. I would think a dom is better off bringing his sub to as many orgasms as possible. More rather than less. Isn't it a turnon for a man to help bring his woman to orgasm?

FD

Impish1 said...

Orgasm on command - don't I wish! It sure would make my life a whole lot easier...

Orgasm control's not for us; I, too, deal with the aging, menopausal body and prefer to relish life's joys. I have found it can help when having the off day to approach orgasm by approaching, backing off very briefly, stimulating again and again. Seems to make the sensations stronger, and eventually makes orgasm possible. I suppose that's a control of sorts, but definitely for a good cause.

Good post.

Gillette said...

Hehehe...it's been a bit since I've been online much and so am late to this party.

Gonna write a post on this one later today or tomorrow.

Gillette said...

Hi..came back later in the afternoon.

So..when I reread this, I see two topics that, to me, have nothing to do with each other. I have lots to say on both topics, which is why I said I would write posts.

But for here, I will simply suggest that for the orgasm denial stuff, you might want to consider that there is more to sex than what we know, study, and practice in the West.

If you look to the ancient and modern practices of Taoism and Tantra you will see that there have, in fact, been studies that support the idea of orgasm denial or delay. People, especially men, benefit greatly from the practice. I have personal experience of partners' PSAs going down, the men experienceing increased energy and total health.

Other than that, I would suggest that it's merely a matter of what turns someone on. And who knows where the hell that comes from. I have read very credible blogs (see Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse, The Edge of Vanilla) written by those who practice it.

As per the orgasm "on command."

Selkie..are you telling me that just because science hasn't found our spontaneous orgasms that it can't be true? Really? You think science is over? I personally think that they are fucking clueless about the body's capacity for pleasure and orgasm...just beginning to understand maybe 1% of it.

I orgasm without stimulation.

In fact, these days, my spontaneour orgasms are stronger than my clitoral ones. While no partner or I can "command" them, I can, and do, allow them.

And if you don't believe me, there's nothing I can do about that. But I will (sweetly) not allow you or anyone else outside me (science or no) to tell me what my body does or does not do. You aren't inside me, you don't feel what I feel.

And, FYI, I am NOT special. I truly believe we ALL have this potential. We may never get there. The getting there may take some time and some really hard, disciplined work of the sort that most aren't willing to do. But our bodies are wired for ecstasy. It's a function of being alive.

Loving Annie said...

Selkie,
I can come on command if I was just about to have one anyway :)

Being able to have multiple orgasms very easily (meaning maybe two minutes apart), if he knows I'm getting close, yeah it's easy for him to think he MADE me come.
Well, his dick did :)

If you're a woman who has ONE big orgasm instead of multiples, then I'd say it's total bulshit to be made to come on command.

You can flex your kegel muscles as much as you want, but until your clit also has enough stimulation to explode, it won't result in that cresting of sensation called orgasm.

Lev said...

oh boy, here we go. I'll pick up the gauntlet...Selkie, I have no science to back me up. oh, if only I did.

I am not into orgasm denial at all; quite the opposite really - I love for my little one to cum as often and in as many ways as she can; if anything I want her to cum often - and yes, to focus on her submission as part of that.

So now we've got that out of the way.

I can say that I have, over a period of time, trained ml1 to cum on my command. Yes, really and truly. And no, I am not deluding myself. And no, this really isn't a boast - it's a fact and a part of our relationship.

And no, she doesn't fake it - or, if she does, she's managed to include a number of physical responses in her fakery [and no, she doesn't sound like Meg Ryan in When Harry met Sally].

We're in an L/D relationship and see each other infrequently. I am able to have her cum when we're together and am also able to do it over the phone.

As others have said, this has occurred through trust. I can count her down from 5 to 1 and on that last number she knows she may cum. And she does. I may held back from mentioning the number to bring her closer to "the edge". I can also vary the intensity bu telling her that I want her to cum gently or forcefully. And she does.

And yes, it is a Pavlovian response; at the mention of the number "5" she has a physical reaction. She has tried to withhold it but has yet to be successful. Is it a form of hypnosis? Perhaps. All I know is that we both have fun with it. And yes, it is an aspect of my ownership - and 1 I take quite seriously.

I will ask her to post here from her perspective.

And Selkie, as I don't reside that far from you, perhaps the next time ml1 is in town we could arrange and demonstration.

January Blackthorne said...

And here I am, Lev's submissive :-)

Hi Selkie,

We have infrequently touched base with each other on FL (so you know I am a real person and I don't live all that far from you).

Let me premise this with what I have experienced in vanilla relationships, including marriage: no orgasms from dick-in-cunt at all. None, nada. And I had to fake.

I was despairing that I would ever be able to orgasm through intercourse (and yes, I consoled myself with the knowledge that I belonged in those stats you have quoted).

Finding bdsm and then my Owner was an unbelievable eye-opening experience. As he says, there is no orgasm denial, thank goodness, and he encourages me to have as many as I can (a minimum of 5 a day in fact).

And so to the cumming on demand. I was like you in my beliefs. I read Persephone's blog and thought it was all fake, fake, fake.

But it isn't.

As Sir said, I can come on command now. I would agree that part of the response is Pavlovian. When I hear him say "5" (or imagine him saying it), I get a huge physical response immediately in my cunt. The juices flow, my breath quickens and I am getting close.

My eyes also automatically shut when I am alone. This is related to the hypnosis/self-hypnosis that appears to be the key for me. I fall into a space that is just him and me. And he counts me down to one and I orgasm.

I will say this: it is NOT a clitoral experience. It is deep in my belly, my womb, my cunt. It can be soft or strong as he says. I feel this wonderful warm release that makes me shudder and shake and then the throbbing and the after-quakes. It's amazing but it isn't centred on my clit.

Sir was correct about the trust. I couldn't have done this without the deep, deep trust I have in him.

I joined the Erotic hypnosis group on Fet-Life to further investigate. I have been in contact with SMOTP (or is it SMOPT...??) who has self hypnosis tapes to download. With Sir's encouragement, I have tried the erotic ones...and obtained different results!

The difference? My belly rippled as if it was having an orgasm but there was no "release", no warmth. It was purely a muscle response if I can phrase it that way. SMOTP has suggested I keep working with the tapes to see if the reaction changes.

So that's what is happening to me. And yes, I now use it at home so that I can orgasm during sex.

If you have any questions you can reach me on FL or email me at january1800 at gmaildotcom.

~January~

B said...

I have my girl cum on command often, but I I'm not talking about simply whispering to a woman in the kitchen CUM and thar she blows.

I just wrote two posts where coming on command is used:

http://awesomenessandthegoodgirl.blogspot.com/

See what you think, but surely it is possible in the manner described.

The Beautiful Kind said...

I have awesome chemistry with my current partner and am more orgasmic with him than with anyone I've been with before. He's made me cum in many different ways. We are very in tune.

I've cum on his command. I've cum from nipple stimulation alone. I've cum to the chanting of his sexy voice. One time I had an orgasm during an intense instant message session. I've cum just by him kissing me. I've gotten off by just sucking his dick, I went into a zone.

The word "ecstasy" originates from the concept of the soul leaving the body. The brain is such an important part of orgasm, the brain is capable of incredible things. Orgasm is not just an involuntary reflex in the pelvic region.

And oh my gosh what about tantric sex? I've had a 5 minute orgasm from experimenting with that - usually I tense up when I cum, but if I'm in the right mood and I relax my stomach muscles and breathe deeply, I can ride the wave on and on...

Finally, read the book BONK by Mary Roach! It has invaluable info about sex & science, talks about orgasms that occur w/out genital stimulation, and how scientists measure orgasm in the lab.

selkie said...

just saw these comments, thank you people and will follow up when I get a moment!