Life can be so damn irritating at times; and there are moments when I just want to grab my dogs and run far far away to a cabin by the sea.
I’m still feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment; work is incredibly stressful right now due to a massive workload being handled by a MUCH reduced staff with the same expectations and egos tantrumming when there simply aren’t enough hours in a day to get the work done in a timeframe they consider “equitable”.
Home is just as crazy as I am starting to have the Christmas stress building with no time, not enough money and my own stupid insistence on creating ‘perfection’. Keeping a house clean (which is rather an obsession of mine) when said house has 5 to 7 people PLUS at any given time, 3 dogs, 4 cats, a guinea pig and a rabbit and said cleaning has to be juggled between 50 hour work weeks, volunteer time (which I have already cut back on and categorically refuse to cut back any further), dealing with kids’ schoolwork (yeah, even though they are in university), “commuting” to and from Montreal to deal with my mother and my incredibly irritating sister, and then emotional angst which finds its slippery, insidious way on a regular basis through the reality that is my life and I am ONE crankypants individual these days!
So there I am – up at 3:15 am, emptying the dishwasher, putting on laundry, making lunches, walking dogs ... all before 4:45 a.m. .. then a 10 hour workday where I don't get a chance to breath and THEN getting home at 6, preparing a healthy dinner and feeding people at 7 or later ... then more laundry, more cleaning, walking dogs again.... edit a few essays, make a few fruitcakes, sort out some papers ....and falling into bed at 11 or so and sleeping a few hours until the clarion call of 3:15 coaxes me out of a restless sleep yet again...
I resent the hell out of the fact that there is no such thing as “my time” – you know, that TIME where I get to kick back, perhaps enjoy some of the things I enjoy doing – like blogging or WRITING damn it. It just doesn’t exist.... just like my ‘space’ in my home which doesn’t exist.
And I am well aware that when in this moody, wilful, irritated and unreasonable state of mind, I probably should NOT write as issues which as a rule aggravate me past the “irritation” quotient and morph into rant mode.
But of course, as I AM a wilful, irritating and oftentimes, unreasonable individual, I’m going to anyway.
First, there are those who no doubt BECAUSE of said wilfulness, coupled with a rather noticeable lack of “sweetness” together with a rather glaring lack of nobility as probably the anthethsis of “submissive”. Which brings me to my rant. Why is that that submissive women are so often depicted as these saintly, self-sacrificing, WUSSES all the time??
I should simply take a deep breath and calm down as it is –and I KNOW this – such a web phenomenon .. this creation of a “perfect” submissive creature with her sweet personality, eagerness to adhere to her dominant’s every thought, word and deed, her constant yearning for control and management, her willingness to suspend her own beliefs, inner convictions and urges to the “greater” wisdom and ultimate firm hand of her dominant.
Why in the world should submissive women be pigeonholed into a narrow interpretation of personality and “acceptable” traits?
We are not cardboard cut-outs, created out of whole cloth to fit a mould formed by the adolescent fantasies of online would-be dominants.
Submission, when all is said and done, is simply one facet of the complicated psyches of an individual who carries with them all the intricacies, quirkiness and individuality of ANY human being. Because I have chosen in the past to submit to someone whom I admire, respect and love does not mean that magically, all those “undesirable” selkie traits like my wilfulness, stubbornness, temper and tendency to be controlling (GASP, yeah, truly!) and inescapable propensity to make snap judgments and react emotionally are suddenly GONE.
Nope. Sorry boys, still me here!
And during the many years when I lived in a dynamic which very much encompassed the D/s ideal, I was still a wilful bitch- quite a lot truth be told! I’m intense and emotional and quick-tempered ... but damn it, I was a pretty damn GOOD submissive with all of that!
Thank god that I lived a real life dynamic .. because if I were dipping my toe in BDSM waters for the first time by perusing the internet alone, I might very well have never recognized the reality of my innate submissiveness nor felt I in any way or form fit the “mould”.
Because the popular concept of the delicate, noble, subservient and retiring submissive is about as far from this pugnacious, determined, opinionated redhead as can be...
And I am NOT bashing anyone’s own concept of a dynamic which turns their crank; just pointing out that however you cut the cloth, pushing, squeezing and forcing people into predetermined shapes with the commensurate “traits” will ultimately be self-defeating and in the end, nix the possibility of living a rich, multi-faceted, rewarding dynamic which encompasses, embraces and accepts the reality of each individual.