Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tuesday Tirade ...

Life can be so damn irritating at times; and there are moments when I just want to grab my dogs and run far far away to a cabin by the sea.

I’m still feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment; work is incredibly stressful right now due to a massive workload being handled by a MUCH reduced staff with the same expectations and egos tantrumming when there simply aren’t enough hours in a day to get the work done in a timeframe they consider “equitable”.

Home is just as crazy as I am starting to have the Christmas stress building with no time, not enough money and my own stupid insistence on creating ‘perfection’. Keeping a house clean (which is rather an obsession of mine) when said house has 5 to 7 people PLUS at any given time, 3 dogs, 4 cats, a guinea pig and a rabbit and said cleaning has to be juggled between 50 hour work weeks, volunteer time (which I have already cut back on and categorically refuse to cut back any further), dealing with kids’ schoolwork (yeah, even though they are in university), “commuting” to and from Montreal to deal with my mother and my incredibly irritating sister, and then emotional angst which finds its slippery, insidious way on a regular basis through the reality that is my life and I am ONE crankypants individual these days!

So there I am – up at 3:15 am, emptying the dishwasher, putting on laundry, making lunches, walking dogs ... all before 4:45 a.m. .. then a 10 hour workday where I don't get a chance to breath and THEN getting home at 6, preparing a healthy dinner and feeding people at 7 or later ... then more laundry, more cleaning, walking dogs again.... edit a few essays, make a few fruitcakes, sort out some papers ....and falling into bed at 11 or so and sleeping a few hours until the clarion call of 3:15 coaxes me out of a restless sleep yet again...

I resent the hell out of the fact that there is no such thing as “my time” – you know, that TIME where I get to kick back, perhaps enjoy some of the things I enjoy doing – like blogging or WRITING damn it. It just doesn’t exist.... just like my ‘space’ in my home which doesn’t exist.
And I am well aware that when in this moody, wilful, irritated and unreasonable state of mind, I probably should NOT write as issues which as a rule aggravate me past the “irritation” quotient and morph into rant mode.

But of course, as I AM a wilful, irritating and oftentimes, unreasonable individual, I’m going to anyway.
First, there are those who no doubt BECAUSE of said wilfulness, coupled with a rather noticeable lack of “sweetness” together with a rather glaring lack of nobility as probably the anthethsis of “submissive”. Which brings me to my rant. Why is that that submissive women are so often depicted as these saintly, self-sacrificing, WUSSES all the time??

I should simply take a deep breath and calm down as it is –and I KNOW this – such a web phenomenon .. this creation of a “perfect” submissive creature with her sweet personality, eagerness to adhere to her dominant’s every thought, word and deed, her constant yearning for control and management, her willingness to suspend her own beliefs, inner convictions and urges to the “greater” wisdom and ultimate firm hand of her dominant.


Why in the world should submissive women be pigeonholed into a narrow interpretation of personality and “acceptable” traits?

We are not cardboard cut-outs, created out of whole cloth to fit a mould formed by the adolescent fantasies of online would-be dominants.

Submission, when all is said and done, is simply one facet of the complicated psyches of an individual who carries with them all the intricacies, quirkiness and individuality of ANY human being. Because I have chosen in the past to submit to someone whom I admire, respect and love does not mean that magically, all those “undesirable” selkie traits like my wilfulness, stubbornness, temper and tendency to be controlling (GASP, yeah, truly!) and inescapable propensity to make snap judgments and react emotionally are suddenly GONE.

Nope. Sorry boys, still me here!

And during the many years when I lived in a dynamic which very much encompassed the D/s ideal, I was still a wilful bitch- quite a lot truth be told! I’m intense and emotional and quick-tempered ... but damn it, I was a pretty damn GOOD submissive with all of that!

Thank god that I lived a real life dynamic .. because if I were dipping my toe in BDSM waters for the first time by perusing the internet alone, I might very well have never recognized the reality of my innate submissiveness nor felt I in any way or form fit the “mould”.

Because the popular concept of the delicate, noble, subservient and retiring submissive is about as far from this pugnacious, determined, opinionated redhead as can be...

And I am NOT bashing anyone’s own concept of a dynamic which turns their crank; just pointing out that however you cut the cloth, pushing, squeezing and forcing people into predetermined shapes with the commensurate “traits” will ultimately be self-defeating and in the end, nix the possibility of living a rich, multi-faceted, rewarding dynamic which encompasses, embraces and accepts the reality of each individual.


mouse said...

Yup, yup, and yup...

Omega had definite ideas of how he thought I would be...and then the reality of me set in and he knew he'd have to take a course.

It's not that I'm not eager to please or lack restraint, I'm just outspoken about anything that ticks me off. I know it's often not very slave like to walk around the house like a ranting bitch, but, it happens.

Omega has learned to embrace my inner bitch...lol. No, he doesn't always like her but he's learned to mitigate the potential damage she can cause.


Jz said...

GoooooOOOOOOO, cranky girl!!
(rustle, rustle, wave, wave)

I go in and out of getting upset at the dipsticks who will swear they have magically abrogated all traces of an actual personality by their total submersion into oneness with their dom's wishes.
Sometimes I snort, sometimes I doubt, sometimes I'm just filled with deep pity for them.

If that's what some dom is looking for, more power to him. He won't be getting me for a sub and it's a toss-up which one of us will be the more profoundly grateful.

I'll stick with a guy who sees me, wants me anyhow, and relishes the challenge.

(And mouse, I'm liking the inner bitch!)

Gillette said...

As one very strong man once put it...it's no challenge to get a wimp to submit. Most men of power like challenge. What greater gift than the submission of a strong woman?

Here's a toast to ya, Lady. May you find a break in your busies to simply be.

Anonymous said...

nice to see you back and by the way you didn't seem anymore bitchy than normal to me ;)

selkie said...

mouse, yeah, nods, your Omega gets it - after all, as Gillette and JZ point out, where's the joy without the challenge? Where's the INTEREST? My own take of course being that intelligent, capable individuals need the stimulating reality of someone who is as complicated, mulit-faceted and complicated as they are - otherwise the depth would somehow be lacking.

I'm not talking about constantly battling or challenging the status quo simply because; one can, after all, have an opinion, be passionate, intricate and questioning WITHOUT being someone who constantly tries to undermine or question a dynamic; simply saying blind obedience and ruthlessly suppressing every independent thought is rather a frightening concept in the reality that is a human being.

and Sir J - grins.... why thank YOU - I didn't think I was either damn it! LOL

Liras said...

Oh Selkie..you need more rest! It is not healthy to do so much, on so little battery charge.

Who are you attempting to please? You? Them? Us?

I realize things must be done but I wonder how long you can do them all at such a frantic pace.

If you do find time for Hot Super Stud Dom of your dreams, you are going to fall asleep on him.

Good wishes for balance to you.

PKB said...

I know what it is like to have such a schedule. I hope you get a break soon. Enough to catch up and recharge. I feel ya. I really do.

Loving Annie said...

Dear Selkie,
The overload of your choices would leave anyone exhausted and cranky ---sub or dom or vanilla cookie, alike :)


Anonymous said...

Thank you for telling it like it is. Either we are forming a coterie of delinquent submissive women or we are the reality of what will work and will work well within a D/s relationship. As compared to the simpering submissive proto-type foisted upon so many who use the tales of web-based whilimena's and not their own inner compasses to find their way. To thine own-self be true, even if she occasionally rides a broom.

selkie said...

Liras, I know you're right and i'm desperately trying to get some balance in.... in fact, as I sit here, I'm playing hooky from work! I have had to date, ONE sick day this year - today is going to be my second because I'm BURNED OUT and need some down time (of course, planning on cleaning the fridge and oven, but at least I can do that at my own pace LOL)

pk- i know your own schedule is probably even more demanding ...

annie- agreed - its nothing to do with who I am - and yeah,need to recharge ...

CD.. love the idea of forming a "coterie of delinquent submissive women" grins ... all I can think of is what a GREAT monty python skit that would make lol

vanimp said...

I love this rant, because it's not a rant it's reality.

I don't know a single submissive in my life who doesn't have fire and put herself out there but it does come with a price, we often don't have time for ourselves and there's a quiet strength in all of these woman, they are not the type of women to lie down and be all sweet and delicate.

I don't know what it is with this interwebz phenonomen but it's had me sat here at times thinking when do you all actually get time to live in the real world with real stuff going on?