Sunday, March 30, 2008



1. n.
a) The prescribed order of a religious ceremony.
b) The body of ceremonies or rites used in a place of worship.
c) The prescribed form of conducting a formal secular ceremony: the ritual of an inauguration.
d) The body of ceremonies used by a fraternal organization.

2. A book of rites or ceremonial forms.

3. rituals
a) A ceremonial act or a series of such acts.
b)The performance of such acts.
c) A detailed method of procedure faithfully or regularly followed: My household chores have become a morning ritual.
d) A state or condition characterized by the presence of established procedure or routine: “Prison was a ritual—reenacted daily, year in, year out. Prisoners came and went; generations came and went; and yet the ritual endured” (William H. Hallahan).

How apropos such a description is of the rites and services, the customs and habits intrinsic to ANY relationship – whatever the dynamic. There is a need in most human beings (I believe to be central to the human psyche), which embraces the comfort and sanctity of ritual, finding in the routine habit and convention of habitual practice a level of comfort which allows the mind to calm and provides a form of almost meditative reflection that soothes and balances emotional equilibrium.

After all, why else does the history of mankind evidence ritual in some form or another no matter what era, century or cultural imperative?

Many rituals, for instance, in terms of human interaction occur at what has been called “rites of passage”; from the rituals and ceremonies associated with births, deaths, puberty and marriage to the rituals greeting the change of seasons.

Ritual can be a positive or negative force in an individual’s life – positive in terms of providing a sense of history and meaning and negative if ritual is allowed to become the focus and locum of an existence.

Certainly, many individuals today descry the rigidity of ritual and exclaim their independence from its cloying procedures .. yet, yet … examine each and every one of our lives and I believe you will find evidence of ritual – not always obvious, not always publicly disclaimed or revealed, but nonetheless there … a real and vital part of our daily lives.

Ritual can be something practiced en masse (i.e. religious observances, sports, and similar venues where crowds enact rituals of passage and expectation) or private, from morning routines enacted the same with each sunrise or weekly meetings with friends.

For me, many of my rituals are private – and such an intrinsic part of my psyche, that to do without them, leaves me anxious and forlorn. The feel of him in my mouth satisfies something in me that is so entwined with our dynamic that it is as essential to me as food or water or actually breathing. Oral worship provides to me such a complete and utter underlining of my dynamic to him that its lack can create a rift which we both have to work hard to mend.

Furthermore, its lack is often a physical and emotional signpost that there are issues that need to addressed.

I am fortunate in that I never seem to have had any of the hang-ups or discomfort with oral worship that I see some suffer. To me, long before I recognized who I was, taking him in my mouth, feeling the delicious delicateness of the tender skin, the salty, tart taste, the throbbing deliciousness of that muscle were something I adored.

Every morning and every evening I take him in my mouth, often for an extended period of time. Like a child suckling at the breast, I enter a trancelike state as I suckle at his groin, finding a lubricious and sensual comfort in the feel of him throbbing in my mouth..

There is something so elemental about worshipping at his groin that it seems to completely encompass the true essence of the D/s dynamic. Nor does oral worship have to result, each time, in full orgasm although I admit to being disappointed when he chooses to have me desist before this occurs. Simply the act itself, however, provides an emotional and spiritual connection that allows me reassurance each morning and peace each night before I sleep.

This is a ritual that allows me in the chaotic life which we inhabit to underline and reaffirm the dynamic we have between us.

It came to mind recently when I completed a survey ( on the noted site; pointless I think as there doesn’t seem to be any movement on that site for some time. However, in filling it out (and I admit to being a survey-whore – marketers LOVE me), it was only after the fact that I began to really muse on how a D/s dynamic can connect and maintain its dominant/submissive dynamic in the reality in which we must live.

Kids, friends, animals, elderly parents, fulltime jobs, sports, part-time jobs,…. those are realities that we cope with on a daily basis. Time is often frantic and in short supply, the ability to connect on a meaningful level restricted through simple physical dynamics.

While actually completing the survey, I could only think of incidentals like having his favourite coffee beans in … half and half for his coffee, ensuring his lunch is made each morning, keeping him apprised of appointments and ensuring his vitamin regime is current.

But then I began to realize that there were so many other facets I hadn’t considered; in fact, because ritual is often repetitive (in a positive way) and becomes almost part of our unconscious behaviour, it is sometimes surprisingly easy to overlook how crucial it is to our daily lives.

For the reality is that, unlike what I sometimes read on the internet, we do NOT present necessarily as your basic D/s couple. Neither of us, for instance, is out to make a statement to anyone – thus we don’t feel compelled to wear the outward trappings which label unequivocally the status of the individual. Although I wear his collar always – slender, entwined sterling silver strands forming a thick but delicate circlet culminating in an “O” ring – and it is somewhat unusual and to anyone “in the know” unequivocal, it is yet perfectly apropos to wear to work each day. I wear stockings only – NEVER pantyhose – not a fact that anyone other than he would be aware but nonetheless, another reaffirmation of his choice.

Further, neither one of us believes in influencing our children with what is arguably, a very strong statement in terms of the lifestyle we choose to lead. Rather, we have tried (and according to our kids, largely succeeded to date) in allowing them the freedom to make their own choices in life and to take the paths they wish to pursue.

Thus, our ritual of morning and night is crucial and precious to remind us of what our internal souls yearn for. I need – and I think he needs also – that daily reminder of what we mean to each other. His fingers often stray to my neck when we are together, tracing delicately the lines of his collar and running fingers down to entwine in the ring which binds. Oddly, I don’t wear a wedding ring and did so only for a very brief time after we were married, yet I NEVER take off my collar.

A tug on my hair, a hand running down my back to cup my buttocks, a deep kiss, a hand lightning quick between my thighs, squeezing …. these rituals enhance, underline and deepen the sense of our dynamic.

Now that our children are older, we have been able to escape the past few years for three precious days every few months to a remote cottage where we can relax and be who and what we are to each other – fully, completely and with utter freedom. Entering the door of that cottage, I don the leather collar, the warm rich red cuffs and anklets, and for that slice of time, serve as I yearn to serve …it is a stepping out of time, out of the bounds of servitude to the reality of life – yet nonetheless, it is as real and precious as any moment in the chaos of real time.

Thus ritual in our lives – the oral worship, the collar, the tug at my hair .. serve to underline the reality of a dynamic which is not always obvious. Ritual in the form of our escape simply provides a much welcome respite and an opportunity to completely immerse ourselves in the passionate, very real and long-term confirmation that we are what we are to each other and provides such a sense of peace and tranquility that it carries us through to the next weekend escape …

The D/s dynamic is no more complicated nor difficult (or easy) than ANY relationship - and like any relationship - vanilla or otherwise - it takes time, commitment and WILL to maintain and keep it healthy.


Anonymous said...

Hello... I was part of that research group. In fact, I wrote that survey and still have access to it as it is my account. I am a friend of January, who told me about you on fetlife.. and when I followed your link to your site, I saw what you said about the survey. It made me think that even though our work on the project stopped, the results of the survey should at least be shared with those kind enough to take the time to fill it out.... so.... I am sharing the link on fetlife.. and will post results as well.

thank you... I love your site, as well.


Buffalo said...

Humanity has a long history of complicating what should be simple.