Read Part 1 here
For ultimately, I think what creates a sense of shame in us, is a perception that what we are doing would somehow be judged “wrong” or “perverted” or “twisted” by the society in which we all exist – on a macro level. On a micro level, a perception that a practice for which we yearn is seen by someone we adore as off-putting or disgusting is a sure-fire way to kill the desire.
I believe that the level of abhorrence created is a direct result of our own upbringings, the influences and effects of our real life experiences. In short, we feel shame because we have been taught, usually from an early age, to believe that to do what we are doing is wrong. That it somehow betrays a spurious and what I believe to be, a false sense of decency that it is somehow against the rules of a god created by MEN.
In short, to explore the wonderful capabilities of the physical bodies we enjoy is somehow perverted, twisted and in the strictest sense, betrays what is perceived to be a higher spiritual realm of being.
And this is particularly and unfortunately very true when it comes to the expression of any sexuality; throw a bit of kink into the mix and the swish it around with religious mores, societal-imposed strictures and good old-fashioned prejudices and sometimes it’s amazing anyone can enjoy any kind of sexuality!
I credit my good Irish Catholic parents for being pretty amazing people in that I managed to avoid most of that! Unfortunately, very few people have been as fortunate.
Any strictures in hindsight that I placed on the fulsome and perfect delight and enjoyment of my sexuality were in most cases, incorporated by me because of some perception (real or imagined) that what I was proposing to enjoy was `wrong` - such reaction garnered through the reactions engendered by the proposal or exploration of that act.
In other words, hyper sensitive as I am to reactions and empathetic to a frightening degree to those for whom I care, even the perception that they find my needs repulsive in any way is enough for me to grasp that desire and crush it, put it away deep in the far realms of my soul. Wounded, I will strike it from any possibility of being brought into being again and feel in the secreting away of a whispered need, mortified and ashamed.
This, when all is said and done, is probably what MOST of us ultimately fear most? To be rejected for who we are; to be denied because the essence of what we seek is in eyes of the one we love, somehow wrong, perverted or disgusting.
And yet, I understand that each of us is to a greater or lesser extent, victims of our past.
Even if we KNOW that the one whose approbation we crave would probably like it, we perhaps cannot escape the strictures of early lessons and feel, in the deep, hidden part of our psyche, that while rationally we understand our loved one not only embraces that part of us but fulsomely ENJOYS it, that secret part of our id rails that they don’t REALLY feel that way ... that to open ourselves like this will engender disgust, repudiation and denial.
And that can be quite soul-destroying. And often is the reason many of us seek to avoid even the possibility of such denial and repudiation by refusing ourselves even the possibility of that exploration.
Which I find so utterly sad. Because in a perfect world, of course, those we love would accept us and even revel with us in the enjoyments and realities of what provides such sublime pleasure.
Submissives in particular I think are prone to crave the dominant “telling” them to feel this, do that, experience this – in a way suspending the responsibility for pursuing a desired action. It is fairly clearly a way of avoiding responsibility – for while the enjoyment garnered from what is perceived as a “forbidden” act is considerable and at times, overwhelming, it’s not fair really to put the entire responsibility onto the shoulders of the other person. At one and the same time, dominants often accept and even relish the responsibility as it gives them further license to enjoy their full measure of control.
The bottom line is I think it crucial that every single individual look deep within themselves, honestly and clearly, and find the impetus that drives the level of sexuality and spiritual fulfillment they seek. Embrace it, enjoy it and work hard at jettisoning any sense of shame or self-loathing engendered by honest emotions and the needs of your body. Be open and honest with your partner and see if opening the window allows the light to pour in....