What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how
compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Do no harm.
Some musings on musings if you like … engendered by various discussions lately (both my own and others) on kink, on whether we can suppress our tendency towards submission or domination, on exploring our sexuality and the impact, ultimately, on our lives and the lives of those with whom we are entwined.
The reality of course is that we do not live in a vacuum.
Each of us has threads and connections to others; to family, to friends, employers and even to acquaintances.
For many, those connections are a tapestry of colour and sensation and emotion, connections which entwine and at times choke, threads of caring, of responsibility, skeins of experience and pasts that can’t be undone, each of our realities encompassing and including a myriad of other souls, through choice and through necessity and through the realities of connections which cannot be severed.
People change and forget to tell each other.
For many, it seems that discovering their dominant or submissive nature was actually triggered through their explorations in our global village – or as I have often heard, they recognized those moments we all come to at different points in our lives, where we recognize what to that point had been a yearning had a NAME.
Many of you have vanilla partners, whose own inclinations do not - and will not EVER – incline them to the same desires which sent you yearning into the ether of perhaps to find the answers.
I felt it shelter to speak to you.And the yearning becomes overwhelming and the searching begins. And connections occur. Some transient, ethereal and insubstantial… phantoms thought solid but when touched and embraced, are simply smoke and mirrors. Other connections creep into the hearts and souls of the participants and bonds are formed, links created from thought and emotion, mutual explorations and the deep satisfaction engendered by having a need met that you may not have known existed in your earlier lives, satisfied, massaged and fulfilled.
But what then your primary partner?
You know, the one who has not and never will experience that same yearning?
Where do they fit in to this new dynamic?
In many cases it seems to me, they don’t “fit” at all…. I see the same tired excuses given, the vilification and the contempt expressed as I’ve heard and read about when it comes to non-BDSM extracurricular affairs.
“Blaming” the partner as if they had expressly designed their psyches to thwart the need you’ve only newly discovered. Vilifying them for their “vanilla” wants and their reluctance to push or explore in the direction you now seek to embrace. Seeing in their lack of enthusiasm or outright repudiation of sexual kinkiness, a denial of your perceived wants.
In short, often the same people who ask for understanding and acceptance of their “needs” denigrate and deride a different kind of need not just in anyone, but in someone they profess to love.
This thankfully is not true of every relationship I see where a married individual takes on a dominant or submissive who may or may not ALSO be married.
In fact, I have been heartened recently by the number of people I am seeing out there that DO in fact not just “account’ for the non-participating partners, but cherish them, care for them and factor their possible reactions into any equation – including the potential impact of knowledge of the introduction of another factor in what to that point had been a two-person dynamic and/or the inclusion of a third into the emotional and sexual repertoire of the other person.
Those are people I can respect.
People who recognize that none of us chooses, at the core, who we are and that includes those who are not inclined to kink.
I didn’t choose to be submissive. No one sat me down at some point in the creation and being of the selkie and offered me a choice of inclination.
I didn’t have to guess which ‘stick’ was the dominant one and which the submissive, nor was I ever actually presented with the opportunity to switch sticks. Had I been given that opportunity, I think in view of my own perception of self, I would most likely have chosen not just the Dominant Stick but damn it, the KICK ass, get on your knees and WORSHIP ME Dominant Stick – because the reality is that being a “pushy broad” (as D. is wont to refer to me as) – I sort of find that concept delicious.
Problem is, I wasn’t asked.
And thrust into the Dominant Role in a relationship dynamic leaves me very unhappy. It leaves me anxious, dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
But when I had D. to submit to, I felt to the core of me - “right” - … I used to feel as if I had come home and for those moments, was finally open to the endless possibilities of what I am. It made me content. And I KNOW I was damn fortunate to be with someone with whom I could mesh my real world needs as well (which makes the lack of it now all the more poignant).
But, as I wander the web I see more and more justifications being articulated for choosing to scratch the need – which in itself I could tolerate – what outrages me, is do NOT denigrate your real life partner in the doing …
They didn’t get to choose their sticks either after all!
They are who they are – they love, they laugh, they feel, they anger, they just exist like the rest of us. But they do so without the yearning or the need for something beyond traditional roles.
Vanilla is a flavour after all and a delicious one at that.
Stop using the word “vanilla” as if the designation as such justifies cruelty, neglect or contempt.
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind."Pooh!" he whispered.
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
wanted to be sure of you."
What does encourage me, however, is that I am seeing individuals who do NOT practice deception or pretence. Who factor in the fragile needs of their real life partners and factor in the potential effects and possible impact of an extra-curricular (particularly a kink-oriented on) on their primary relationship.
Who practice HONOUR, DIGNITY and DECENCY …. and in so doing, prove themselves in the BDSM world (to my mind) to be the paragons that the rest of us should respect and emulate.
When all is said and done, at the end of days, if one can look back over the course of your life and say “I have done my best to DO the LEAST harm” then perhaps that is an epitaph to be proud of…
Just to clarify - I believe that people, their dynamics, their needs, desires and motivations are endlessly unique ... I believe that given the right mixture of personalities, relationships apart from the primary one (speaking in the context here of kink-related)- CAN and DO work for some dynamics.
It's about choice. It's about seeing what works. It's about taking responsibility.
It's about doing your best to NOT hurt your partner if she or he is unaware of your inclinations - and not using their DISinterest simply to scratch on itch.
I do not and will not condemn choices made by others; my own life experience continues to show me more and more that simplistic answers are just that - simplistic and in many ways trite.
Life is not perfect, but as I said above, just strive to DO NO HARM or at least, as little as can reaosnably be done in the context of your choices.