Sunday, March 1, 2009

Submission - Conclusion (Stand up and be counted)

Read Part ONE here Read Part TWO here Read Part THREE here

I am aware that many couples are open to the submissive and/or dominant seeking a dynamic outside the primary partnership to satisfy the need to submit or to dominate that they are not experiencing in their primary relationship.

I am also aware that many individuals choose to do so without the tacit or conscious permission of the primary partner.

That is a choice the individual makes. Not one I personally choose but certainly not one I am prepared to judge anyone on either! The one thing I do know is that I cannot speak to anyone’s life but my own; I don’t walk in another’s shoes, I do not deal with their stressors or the day to day realities of their life.

The one thing I have learned in my half century plus of life is that there are no absolutes. I have also been granted the wisdom to understand that extenuating circumstances DO occur... that individuals make choices they are not always thrilled about but make based on choosing the best alternatives to untenable situations.

In short, I cannot live someone`s else`s life; I cannot judge someone else`s choices because each of us must follow our own moral compass, based on the unique circumstances in each of our lives.

So, to be clear, while I believe good, moral people sometimes make choices that potentially could harm others, I believe they do so in full acceptance of their responsibilities, taking full ownership of their choices and being open and honest about their course of action. I can respect that.

However, I also believe that there are many individuals out there, particularly in Cyberia who make a choice to seek a Master or submissive (online and/or offline) as a justification for fulfilling what is ultimately, a sexual desire.

They just dress it up by saying it is a “need” their primary partner is not meeting. “My wife doesn’t understand me”. “My husband doesn’t respond to my emotional needs”. Not really all that different from the excuses that have been used for decades to justify indiscretions. They use the word `vanilla` in a derogatory and dismissive manner.

I bring this up because in the context of this discussion, I believe it important. It is in some ways what launched these thoughts.

Because to justify what you know is a betrayal of someone in your life who you purport to love and respect is something I believe should be undertaken with full understanding of your motives, in full acceptance of your responsibilities and in FULL comprehension of the “why” you are doing it.

I comprehend completely that each us must weigh our personal needs, our desires and our `wants` and as mature adults, make decisions based on our understanding of what we feel we must have in our lives.

All I feel is that be honest about it. TAKE responsibility and don`t pretend that you are being `forced` by your very nature to make choices you would otherwise avoid! Because these are CHOICES we are making, NOT physiologically-induced imperatives against which we cannot fight.

Just accept responsibility

Anyone reading me for any length of time will quickly learn one of my triggers is people refusing to take responsibility.

Meeting your DESIRE to submit, your CRAVING to dominate is NOT the same as a physiological need to eat, to breathe the air or illuminate ... those are things over which we have no control, that in order to live, we must fulfill.

Each of us makes conscious decision every single day of our lives. To do so is simply being human. But those choices are made without coercion.

I don’t deny there are not repercussions to denying something that intrinsically and consciously satisfies a need in our minds and hearts – and yes, I DO believe that the intensity of submission (and consequent profundity of domination) create a state of bliss that is hard (if not impossible) to achieve otherwise, but there are ALWAYS consequences....

If one is prepared to live with those consequences, and conscience and heart are comfortable with your decision, then your life will be balanced in its own way.

Because ultimately life is all about balancing consequences.

So to get back to the question? Can one “put away submission in a little box?”

Yes, one can. It will ache with a desperate intensity that sometimes feels overwhelming. It is an amputation that creates a constant and profound sense of loss. But when the alternative means an ache and loss of another and even more devastating kind, then yes, you can suppress it.

Because when all is said and done, life is ALL about choices. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences if your choices come back to haunt you.


Buffalo said...

Well said.

Anonymous said...

Master and I read these four postings this morning when they popped up in my reader. I couldn't comment on them at the time because they weren't appearing here.

I'm not sure it is ever possible for any of us not to judge in some form or another, however much we believe we don't. We try hard but, even if only privately or in our own minds, we form opinions about those we come across, their views and beliefs, and the choices they make. Those opinions are viewed through our own personal filters, which in turn are made up of our own views, beliefs and choices. I honestly (and quite sadly) feel there's no escaping that.

Frequent Traveler said...

"Because to justify what you know is a betrayal of someone in your life who you purport to love and respect is something I believe should be undertaken with full understanding of your motives, in full acceptance of your responsibilities and in FULL comprehension of the “why” you are doing it."

You hit the nail on the head, Selkie. Accurately, intelligently and with no room for anyone to escape the facts.

Excellent discusssion of desire, choice, responsibility and consequences.

Supress it when it means hurting someone else you have an existing committment to. Period.

Unknown said...

I loved the posting Selkie, so young and yet so wise. I am a married man with wild spanking fantasies from a very early age. There was a time when I would gladly have ‘dipped my toe in the water’ so to speak, I had made contact with ladies who wanted to be spanked.
I never ‘blamed’ my wife for anything, I knew that ‘I‘ was the problem, and it had nothing to do with what my wife did or did not do for me.
As you made comment on, “to justify what you know is a betrayal of someone in your life who you purport to love and respect”, no matter what way I ever look at it, I always come up with this answer, to act on my desires in this way is nothing other than a betrayal.
I like your question, “Can one put away dominance (in my case) in a little box?”, and again you have come up with the right answer, Yes I can!
Best wishes,

selkie said...

Buff... thanks.

M:e - while I concur that each of us, no matter how well-intentioned, has opinions and to some extent judges, I TRULY belielve that being aware of our prejudices, understanding and INCORPORATING that there are lives out there we are NOT living, stresses out there we are NOT experiencing - that there is always ANOTHER side - then I think we can STILL not so much judge as feel that path is not ours ... it is not a bad path, it is not a POOR path nor a bad choice, just not the one that we choose to take.

Paolo- first, welcome! second, YOUNG??? I'm 52, soon to be 53 in the not so distant few months!

thank you for your comment; I know that it is not the answer for everyone. but we each must weigh the costs and decide for ourselves, that we believe to be true for our lives.

Anonymous said...

I've really enjoyed reading your 'submission' postings. Thank you for articulating my thoughts on the subject so well!

selkie said...

Tristan's pet, welcome to my meanderings .. and than you so much for your comment! I am always nervous when I get all wordy and opinionated about things that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings - I truly do NOT feel that my path is the only one nor in any way do I feel I have any particular insight into the mysteries of life.

Unknown said...

52...Yes I was right...still young :)

morningstar said...

selkie.. i am much like you i worry about how some of my more opinionated entries are going to be received... and i admit i tend to back pedal a bit on my original wording (when i edit . .and yes i edit) ..

Reading your posts on submission - especially this one - made me remember a Dr. Seuss book i read to every single student who passes through our school .. .

There is one part from that book that echoed in my head (reading you today) and it goes..

So be sure when you step
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.

don't know quite why.. but those are the words that kept spinning round the subbie head..

wonderfully written essay on submission/domination and truth.

morningstar (owned by Warren)

selkie said...

littleone, as I value your opinion very much- thank YOU for those kind words and I am with you- I don't think there is ANY situation or thought that Dr. Seuss does NOT have a poem for ...

A said...

Interesting and well thought out! :)

I agree with you that dominance and submission cannot be "learned". You either have it or you don't. My sub feelings go back to 2 or 3 years of age. I remember piling things on top of me so I was "trapped", then I'd think about a man taking me away or touching me, ordering me about while I'd be thrilled with his attentions. (And no, I was never molested or anything as a child, nothing like that) So yeah, that's pretty early on. And in my adolescence, I found the Gor books and they made a huge impression on me. I tried to act out some of the themes with my bf, who laughed at me. I was absolutely crushed but didn't let on. I just learned a lesson and pushed it all down for many years afterwards.

I suppressed it for a good long time, 25 years. I'm also almost 53, like you *grins* and strong-willed, etc.

Yes it can be suppressed. Expressing it is a choice. But life is more fulfilling for me when I can express it. That is a fact.

As for nurture vs. nature, egads! My husband and I have had tons of convos on that topic and it's a complicated issue. The only thing I can say is that when I had my two kids I made sure they had as little gender influence as was possible, no TV outside my carefully approved (and limited) choices, they didn't go to daycare, I was always around them in the early years and made sure they were never "corrupted" by society's ideas of what a girl or boy should be but despite that, my toddler daughter made up traditional girly games and my son insisted on more aggressive games. They both had dolls and they both had trucks to play with but guess which toys which one picked? It really aggravated me back then but I know now that it's not all environmental influence; a lot of it is genetic which is why you could never say "all" men or "all" women are anything. We are all different. There may be majorities but there are always exceptions.

As for natural "doms", again, I know my husband best so I can only reference him but I know that, like me with my submissive yearnings, he has always wanted to dominate, going back to his childhood. And yes, he cannot dominate his boss, for instance. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't like to. In a business sense, not a sexual sense. He is constantly tell me how his boss "should" do this or that, how Dan feels he could run everything better. Dan feels he could do a better job of being President of the USA, you know? *smiles* So yes, just because he cannot actually dominate everyone and everything doesn't mean he wouldn't like to. That being said, he works very well in groups, but yes, he often ends up being the leader of such groups.

As for your last part, on whether or not expressing one's sexual or emotional needs are true "needs", well no...they are not needs the way food and water and air are.

But, that being said, I needed affection from my husband. And I wasn't getting it from him. And I tried to make it work with him for 25 years. I am loyal. I believe in marriage. But I didn't finally leave him because he was submissive and I wanted a dominant man. I left him mostly because I was so lonely and so thirsty for simple affection.

So is companionship a need? Can someone die from lack of human interaction? I don't know. Maybe you just want to die. I know I often wished that back then.

For me, it wasn't about being sub, it was about...being loved. And to be able to love. That's what was so important.

Need? I guess not for survival. But to feel alive in all the ways I can feel alive...necessary for me. :)

Great articles! Very thought-provoking. Thanks!

selkie said...

Amber, great comments and insights! Thank you for contributing! LOL at the kids! They'll do what they will, won't they! I brought mine up the same way , different depending on the kid - my big girls used to run around in tutus but climb trees, start wars etc so I was content LOL...

insofar as Gor novels, truth - I remember the first few but HATED them LOL - found them more misognystic than D/s but yes, I see why the attraction too - I liked the conan novels though ...

and you know what? truth? I think that affection and human touch IS as necesary as food and the air we breathe - I truly do - in fact studies show with premature infants it can make ALL the difference - that holding them, human contact literally can keep them alive ... so in that sense I don't think the human creature can do without touch and affection ....

thanks again!

Moi said...

Great posts, Selkie. Thanks for them.

In my personal code, there are no absolutes. It's all about Consciousness, Choice, Responsibility. No blame.

You've talked about a difficult topic with clarity, understanding and what I call "what isness."

In my Courtesan days, I admired the men who took responsibility for what they were doing. To do so any other way is a taking a Victim position- which we all get into from time to time. The thing is, though, the more we cling to that position, using it to justify behavior, the smaller we become.

Thanks, again.

selkie said...

Gillette, thank you.

You've NAILED one of the MOST important tenets of my life - BEING responsible for my own choices - even IF (hell, may be BECAUSE) they are LOUSY choices. I cannot stand the thought that someone else might be responsible for where I find myself in life (shitty place or not- I want it to be MY choices that got me here) - I cannot STAND to be thought a victim!


impy said...

I love this post. I am also a pedantic warrior on self responsibility. I have a hard and fast rule I need to live by and that is not to harm another, playing with a married man who is decieving his partner to fulfill a need is just not my thing. It is also not my place to judge others for doing so but to simply be responsible for my own self. xxx

selkie said...

vanimp- my thoughts exactly.

Liras said...

Selkie, I have been sweetly whispering the condensed version of this into a number of married male ears.

I do not have the desire or will to understand them. That is for others to do.

But they must get out of my ears with their paltry excuses.

Only one has ever told me that he knew he was wrong and she would be hurt. He did not justify it as "his need, so it is too bad for her closed mind".

I of course, sent him away unfulfilled but he got a kudos for being honest.

I hope you continue to express yourself.

selkie said...

thank you Liras... I am always so happy to see your voice. and happier still that our views concur in this respect.

Unknown said...

Thank-you selkie. Last year I discovered my submission. I was been wrestling to talk about it with my dear hubby. We are mid 40s

I have found little helpful that gently explains to a vanilla what a submissive wants, what machosichm is and why etc etc. This went a long way. (The other exception is the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky") Must order it.

My DH is vanilla (maybe even slightly sub himself), very sexually conservative, and the most wonderful guy. He has been very loving to me despite 10 years of illness. However I am sexually very frustrated.

I take my marriage vows as a form of submitting my love to him. But I feel I'm going to go crazy if I can't take him a little of the way. Mild bondage shouldnt be an issue but I'd love to try spanking etc etc. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear.
Write to me at
(Hope this is appropriate)

selkie said...

Dinora, its difficult to be in your sitaution, indeed I do understand that. I think ordering the book is a good thing. I think you can lead someone gently into a little kinkier play without labelling it "odd" and scaring them. i also would never underestimate who a person truly is. If your husband feels comfortable, and more importantly, sees that you respond so positively, hopefully he will be open to more exploration.

I wish you the best of luck!

Pygar said...

Thank you Selkie for taking my suggestion and turning it into such a thoughtful response that has in turn generated some similarly thoughtful replies.

I think again it shows the turmoil that many are going through in searching for their own way through this area.

If there is a "right" way then I think that has to be different for each of us ... but if we can find it while taking account of our love for those closest to us and their love for us then perhaps we will cause the least hurt.

Thank you again for taking such time and emotional energy on this. I am sure many of us have learned from it.

P xx

kannakat said...

You know your stuff, for sure. A very lucid analysis. I agree, sexual longings should not take precedence over respecting the people we have chosen to love and honour.
I would only diverge a little on 2 things:
If you are submissive, and have declared yourself, I suspect you may never go back completely from that position. But there are many ways to submit: as you said in one of the earlier parts, wanting to please and to serve gives great satisfaction. And we can go on doing that, and grow in it. (Or for a dominant, guiding and advising, protecting and guarding)
Second, it's never too late. People can have revelations about their sexuality throughout their lives. Deeply hidden, repressed longings can come to the surface when the time is right (When it rains in the desert!) and remember, people do change. Love changes them. we grow towards each other, upwards and outwards too. So it's never a lost cause.
LOVE your writing! From a fellow young-wisdom-woman.

selkie said...

thank you for your thoughts!

I agree that people change - and sometimes to an extent not even they woudl ever have anticipated; in my case, it is not so much a matter of "discovering" as him knowing and choosing NOT to.

I like your metaphor, however, and one can continue to hope.

and on your note about not going back; I have some musings which I shall write about in the next few days along that theme!

welcome to my angst!