Monday, August 24, 2009


What are little submissives made of?
What are little submissives made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That’s what little submissives are made of?

What are little dominants made of?
What are little dominants made of?
Snips and snails and puppy dog tails
That’s what little dominants are made of.

Except they are NOT.

First, dominance is NOT gender-exclusive. As much as the ostensible internet doms pontificate about a “man’s natural order is to command” and a “woman’s is to submit” – it JUST ain’t true! There are MANY many male submissives and many, many female dominants. Literature providing advice on domination is almost predominantly female written. Munches often offer a plethora of female dominants and male submissives. The only arena that persists in the myth of male-based dominance and female-based submission as a given is the internet – which is hardly proof of the pudding to continue the nursery rhyme metaphor.

“Indeed, submissive men are the single largest component of the D/s communities and widespread male interest in sexual submission is an observable phenomenon.”

Different Loving – the World of Sexual Dominance & Submission
by Gloria Brame and William D. Brame and John Jacobs

Nancy Friday

“Why did I in fact receive far more fantasies from men that expressed masochistic desires than the other way around – the ratio was 4 to 1”

On a more personal note, D. has attended a fair share of hand-on classes on flogging and other delicious forays and without exception, the classes have been made up of predominantly MALE switches or submissives and FEMALE dominants. His last class on flogging (4 hour class) had 11 participants – 9 female dominants, 1 male switch (who candidly admitted his FEMALE partner insisted he go and become a switch for her edification) and ONE dominant – D.

Worse than the assumption – often given weight as fact – of the exclusive sectioning of gender into either submission or domination, my forays near and far around the web have lately made me somewhat of a cranky pants, engendered in part by the ridiculous assertions, infantile perceptions and no doubt- internet-generated assumptions regarding what in fact does “being submissive” or conversely, “being dominant” mean?

I feel as if I am trapped lately in an endless nightmare of Fetlife nonsense (and yes, I admit I lasted barely a month before I was driven out by what my daughter used to call the “stupid-heads).

Now, having clarified how strongly I feel about gender-based designations, from this point, I will use the feminine tense for submission and the male for domination- simply because that is what I myself am familiar with, NOT because it is the only choice.

Submission first and foremost is something that is GIVEN. Not coerced, not demanded, not taken. It is something an individual OFFERS to another individual who has, through time, experience, understanding, leadership and character compelled a need in her to offer, humbly, her body, mind and heart to his care.


Too often I see again and again, the inevitable MALE self-designated dominant pontificating on HIS demands, what he wants, what is crucial to HIS peace of mind – and very damn little about the other half of the equation.

A submissive is more than a pair of breasts, a cunt.

She is a breathing, thinking, feeling human being with all the complicated psyche of any human being. She brings with her not just a body to fuck or abuse, but a Pandora’s box of past experiences (good and bad), personality traits intrinsic to who she is, a lifetime of personal skills, observations born of a lifetime of her personal encounters, her demons, her angels.

And what she seeks is an honourable dominant.

Someone to serve who deserves her servitude, who both relishes and is grateful for the gift of her pain, a man who himself is multi-dimensional, has his own demons and his own angels, who is humble enough to understand his own limitations and proud and capable enough to be willing to work at and overcome them. A man whose inner strength and confidence make him admirable and whose strength makes him compelling.

Someone who understands that her submission brings with it a commensurate responsibility of care. Someone who inspires in her a fervid and passionate desire to become the best she can be – for his sake and with his guidance.

Someone who understands that a D/s relationship is in truth a DYNAMIC.

dy·nam·ic [ dī námmik ]



1. vigorous and purposeful: full of energy, enthusiasm, and a sense of purpose and able both to get things going and to get things done

2. active and changing: characterized by vigorous activity and producing or undergoing change and developmenta dynamic economy

3. physics relating to energy and motion: involving or relating to energy and forces that produce motion ...

6. physics changing over time: describes any system that changes over time.

(from Encarta)

Apt description is it not? A healthy D/s relationship is “vigorous and purposeful”, it is “active and changing and relates to “energy and forces that produce motion” ... and because we are dealing with mutable, changeable and ever-growing minds and hearts, dynamic ALSO means “any system that changes over time”.

But get this... it is two-way!

And you know what? It is ALL about free will – as contradictory as some of the internet denizens may find that – it is ALL about CHOOSING – for BOTH parties.

Not only hers to submit, but HIS to accept the submission , and AWARENESS of expectations and willingness to relinquish will because it is her CHOICE and her wish to do so and yes, HIS right, if he SO CHOOSES, to accept.

It is not about coercion.

It is not about duplicity.

It is most definitely not about only one individual’s adolescent fantasies.


mouse said...

*stands up and applauds*

OMG you said exactly what has been on my mind...And you said it so much better than I could ever.

I offered my submission to my Master, and there was lots of discussion before he even accepted it. He told me about what it meant to him and what I was expected to do, and I told him all my thoughts as well.

But the point was that we both knew and understood it. I wrote in my blog last Friday that there can be no submission without consent and the person needs to understand what they are consenting to. Not some vague notion but exactly.

Thank you thank you thank you for saying this...It desperately needs saying.


Aurore said...

This post should be recommended reading, especially for newbies (whether they are of the dominant or submissive persuasion) like myself.

Thank you.

greengirl said...

I am one of the newbies - very very newbie. Practically speaking - I have really no experience with any of this. I have been looking and reading and trying to learn. And I've found the whole gamut of information out there, from well written erotic fiction, to obvious fiction presented as real life, from rigidly proscribed "this is THE WAY - resistance is futile" to blogs that make me think that this dynamic might be possible in real life.

I'm new, but I have the advantage of being "old enough to know better." I also can look from a safe distance, since I'm still looking, learning, trying to figure it out. There are many blogs that I don't waste my time going back to, and others that just plain piss me off. I think people will gravitate to the answers that fit what they wanted to hear in the first place. In this realm, it is obviously easy enough to find someone or something to justify whatever you have already chosen.

I don't have the experience to add to the points you make, but I want to thank you for making them. You (and several others) have provided what I had been hoping to find: explanations of rational, human, aware, and intelligent interactions. And mouse and Aurore are correct, this is a much needed counterpoint to the all else that is out there.
Green Girl

selkie said...

mouse, thank you sweetheart! lately it seems all I do is rant LOL - I'm glad it is not completely turning off my buddies! But there are some things that just get my goat and I have to write about it!

I love reading your blog - for it is truly a glimpse into a real life situation.

Aurore - thank you! I must be honest, hang around here and you'll get a LOT of decided opinions about things LOL

Green Woman - you sound like you have your head scrwed on right girl! that's a good thing. I see so many innocents that fall hook, line and sinker for some of teh crap that is out there and I want to get my lance and go riding to the rescue ...

at its most simplistic, I find the best way to ascertain whether it is fantasy or reality - if everything is "always perfect", if there are never trantrums, screwups, mistakes or stupid moves on the part of either the dominant OR the submissive, then it is a dream - becuase when all is said and done, a D/s or M/s relationship is first and FOREMOST, just that, a relationship between two breathing, thinking, complicated, with their own issues human beings.

Anonymous said...

so true it should not require being said and yet it must be over and over again. Well done

vanimp said...

Hah I had a brief moment this morning on Fetlife where I reminded someone of a simple fact. And then I sat here stewing on it. It *is* a mutual power exchange between two people. To give and take *has* to be a mutual thing otherwise it simply doesn't work in a healthy fashion. Thank you for articulating what had me riled all morning x

Jz said...

I will write further when I have finished waving my pom-poms and cheering,
"GO-o-o-o-o, selkie!!!"

It may be a while...

selkie said...

Sir J- thank you! I wish more people could differentiate between blogs like the ones I speak of here and ones like yours - that show REAL glimpses into the lifestyle.

vanimp- grins, you just underlined WHY I didn't last at Fet - my blood pressure wouldn't take it!

JZ... grins - I'll go get my own poms poms and let's kick ass!

Amber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amber said...

Okay, the above removed comment was me; I type so much that by the time I go to post my comment, the word verification thingie is usually changed and I have to re do it argh. I hate that word verification thingie.

And I mistakenly published my "test" comment instead of previewing the way I meant to.

I'm sure everyone finds that fascinating. Heh. :)

Anyway, what I wanted to say was, Fetlife will drive ya CRAZY, woman! ;P

Seriously, the problem with Fetlife's about fetishes. Not all fetishes are real life. Some posting on there are getting off on the very act of posting nonsensical statements. Their reality is very different from what they are posting and they have zero intention on ever making it real in the way many of us make it real. But that's their fetish, so it's their right to do it that way. :)

As for giving one's submission, it seems logical to me that it has to be done that way but again, that's because our dynamic is a reality, not an online fantasy.

To the fantasy-role people, however, it's very important to some of them that their submission is TAKEN BY THE DOM! I HAD NO CHOICE! I've been PILLAGED! ARRRR! DOMLY CHEST-BEATING, HE JUST TAKES WHAT HE WANTS YAHHHHHRRRR!

Yanno. That's a whole lot sexually hotter to think about than a quiet "I offer my submission to you".

Like the word "gift" for submission; it's pretty much reviled on Fetlife. Although I think it's unfair to the concept and the word. Dan calls my submission to him a "gift". He is still thrilled that we even met so our entire relationship is a gift to him. And to me, too. So...dunno. Some people just go *off* on that word, like you'd just said you spit on them. Funny...

Bottom line; Fet is a funny place, filled with lots of different folk. When I was there, I tried to hang around the ones that made sense and steered clear of the ones that didn't. Unless I felt like poking someone I didn't care for to watch them react. That was always fun for a laugh or two. :)

Yeah, I can be a bitch at times, lol.

selkie said...

grins... Amber, that made me spit my coffee, wench!

Domley chest beating indeed!

I just could NOT handle Fet - I just can't back away from stupid-heads .... I've tried! So I finally left in order to retain some semblance of sanity!

cutesypah said...

thanks for writing this, selkie. it really is CHOICE, but so few seem to understand that. the dynamic is solified and energized by that choice. when one just gives up, and says, "I can't leave, he owns me, it's all about him," the dynamic is destroyed, and it becomes a charade, a shadow of what truly should be a life-changing, inspirational, uplifting, energizing experience.

the ones on Fetlife and Collarme simply don't know what they're missing. The reality is that they probably couldn't handle the "real" thing if they got their hands on it.

let me know if you need another soapbox to stand taller. I've always got an extra around here somewhere.

Vesta said...

I agree that the submissive (male or female) is requiring of the dominant's "care". She longs for that with all her heart. With it, there is not much she won't do. Without it, the relationship turns to dust.

Florida Dom said...

Selkie: As usual, you provided so much insight into the lifestyle. I'm still puzzled about why the Internet has given the perception that there are more male doms when it's actually the other way around.
Do fem subs like to blog more than fem doms?


selkie said...

grins, I knew you would have one CP- and yeah, the fetlife bunch...

Vesta, it is the core, isn't it?

FD ... the perception is (my opinion only of course) is there becuase I truly believe that 90% of what is out there that label themselves "dom" are simply roleplaying; the whole BDSM thing is rife with fantasy players - simply an offshoot of the whole gaming arena. Do I think in real life that MOST of those self-styled dominants are truly 'dominant" nope; and the obviousness is clear when you really look at the writings. Almost inevitably they are caught up in the pruience of sexual play, of 'controlling' for their sexual edification a woman - something they have not, will not and cannot do in real life.

A d/s or m/s dynamic is SO much more than simple body parts.

Now to be clear, IF both participants have awareness of the playing aspect then more power to them. What two consenting adults do is their own damn business and if it provides them pleasure so be it.

and I ALSO believe that a very good percentage of the self styled 'submissives' are in a similar headspace - and thus when the two meet they can (given that their real time partners don't find out - because almost inevitably they are doing it without their knowledge), explore some longheld or newfound fantasies, explore part of their pysche perhaps long suppressed.

But bringing fantasy into reality (as you will discover if you follow a lot of blogs over a period of time) seldom works; because in the end, it IS fantasy.

And real life has an inevitablity of kicking ass.

greengirl said...

I am asking this question sincerely: what makes something roleplaying or fantasy playing versus a d/s or m/s dynamic? I understand well that people are individuals and that the interactions of two (or more) people are thus unique. I also understand that there is no threshold criterion or set of definitions, but what do you see as being the fundamental difference? I'm truly trying to wrap my head around things, not trying to be contrary.
thank you

selkie said...

greengirl! I'm always always open to questions, challenges and/or other viewpoints. I know I seem to come across as opinionated, but as long as honesty is involved, I really am open-minded and accepting of other choices! I really DO try to be clear that my views here are MINE alone and do not for ONE second think they are the only right ones!

They're JUST the right ones for ME.

So, at its most simplistic, REALITY.

that frankly, this goes for online versus off-line generally.

Reality brings with it its own set of challenges. It bring with the mundane realities of ALL our lives; bills, jobs (often unfulfilling and demanding), pms, exhaustion, day to day things such as having to cook meals, do laundry.

It also brings with it the reality of having to deal, face to face - not being able to quickly say 'gotta go' when things get uncomfortable, or time runs short, you're having a shitty day and don't feel like "playing" - there are always valid and reaosnable excuses why you can't be online.

and you know, what? I'm going to write further but as a blog as this is getting WAY too long LOL

greengirl said...

Thanks for responding. I think there is a difference between pontificating and having come to an opinion because you've thought about the aspects of something. So I don't think you should need to apologize for being opinionated - there is always a lot to be learned from hearing how someone else has reasoned something out, even if the conclusions are particular to that person.

I look forward to reading your further thoughts about this. In my case, perhaps things are backwards; I (actually we) have the day to day reality, it's how to go from there that isnt so sure.