Oddly, I get the panic reaction when I think of submitting to someone to a level where I don’t anticipate or expect to be promised at least a comparable level of reciprocal honesty. But then “honesty” as a concept is something that D. and I have struggled mightily with and in hindsight, has probably been one of our biggest issues. Primarily because our interpretations, our concepts of what “honest” means have been radically different – a reality that we didn’t even recognize until the past couple of years brought our different precepts into stark relief.
There have been times during my relationship that what he termed my “duplicity” has driven him into a rage and a frenzy of accusations. He has even (in the past) labelled what I term my ‘Celtic storytelling” as a variation of lying – which I found astonishing and wounding; it is almost categorically impossible for me to tell a story with no embellishments or fillips to amuse and enrapture the listener. Nor are my exaggerations intended to be taken as the “truth” – so obvious are they, to me it is clearly simply part of a tale.
Where I am complicit, is my tendency to hide. Because in a sense that is “lying” –sins of omission can be as calamitous and wounding as an outright lie after all. NOT telling can be in itself a deal-breaker – a reason to shatter trust and create unease and a sense of distrust.
But then ‘hiding’ can quite frankly be a rational reaction to an untenable or irrational reaction, thus triggering what mouse terms the need to “self-protect”. If revealing certain truths can trigger an unwanted and frightening response, then in one way, it is a RATIONAL reaction to ‘hide’ even more; even if (and of course, this is ultimately a subjective viewpoint) one is perplexed and confused at the intensity of a response to what you see as something innocuous.
One can eventually end up on a treadmill of subterfuge and reaction that is unhealthy and utterly destructive to any dynamic.
The upside however to this is that people can and do change. Compromise and communication can clear up misinterpretations and a willingness to open minds to other interpretations of what you have always thought of as absolutes is essential to move forward.
Ultimately, it is figuring out what are the parameters of what you consider absolutes and what are the limits of what he (or she) considers absolutely untenable and absolute. Then work from there. Depending on the dynamic, there is compromise – or not. Several of my online slave friends have been frank that while their
Masters often do include them in their thought process, and often listen to their viewpoints, there are issues and times when his word is simply it – as ultimately in that power dynamic their agreement is unnecessary.
Which is why I probably could never be a slave.
Hell, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be a submissive again.
For in the end, the damn void is there – you need to decide whether you HAVE the faith to take that leap over that dark crevasse where rocks and boulders jut and threaten to annihilate if you miss your step ...you need to believe that the words and more importantly, the actions, are honest and most of all sincere... and in the end, you have to rigidly, strictly suppress that urge to –self-protect and JUMP.