Faith ..I’ve been musing on it (or the lack thereof) lately. Faith is such a fragile entity, a tender, mutable reality that once shattered, cuts deep.
Faith in a greater being, for instance, once provided what I thought was a bedrock impervious to the movement of earth and time; a solid, real belief that I held to me, warm and solid, in the nights of despair and anguish. Faith was my stalwart companion for a very long time, my right hand, the thing to which I turned not just in times of trouble but during those moments of joyous illumination, a reality that would underline the transcendence of spirit.
There is also faith in self – that vein of self-awareness and introspection that you believe gives you perspective and wisdom. In some ways, the erosion of faith in self is congruent with the loss of faith in that which lies beyond the corporeal reality of our endless days. For only by believing in self and our innate abilities to make reasoned judgments, can we find the courage to believe in something that lies beyond our physical grasp.
There is faith in others also. Faith in our partners (whatever the flavour), in our family, in those we believe care for us, want for us the best. Perhaps because that level of faith is so personal, it is something we can feel, touch, emote and internalize, the erosion of that faith is all the more painful.
Without faith, I find the days lack lustre and depth. There is a greyness to the movement through time that envelops and confuses and licks despair in moments of introspection and awareness.
In hindsight, I very much miss my days of faith; I yearn for the warm comfort, the steadfastness of my devotion, what I thought to be the immutability of my awareness. A world without faith lacks a dimension (at least in my eyes) that brings one beyond the pragmatism of simple existence into a realm that promises something beyond that which can be touched.
The question of course being, how does one regain the ability to believe?